Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #280: Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is coming up.  It will be my first since the breakup of my marriage, though certainly not my first V-Day spent alone.  I was alone for many Valentines’  Days before I got married.

The one that stands out was the one spent during my freshman year of college.  I binged on sugar that night, and began a long crying jag.  My mom ended up picking me up from school that night because she was worried about me.  She said I was fucked up from eating too much sugar.  What she didn’t understand then and doesn’t understand now is that eating too much sugar is/was a SYMPTOM of the problem, not the problem itself.

I ate too much sugar that day because I was terribly sad.  I was terribly sad because I understood that I was different from all those girls with boyfriends (like my freaking roommate that year), and I would always be different from those girls.  Of course they had boyfriends!  They weren’t afraid of sex!!  And I knew I always would be.  I knew that my brother and father had scared me away from anything resembling consensual sex or healthy sex or boyfriends or loving valentines days, etc.  (At that time, I didn’t know there was a third molester yet.) So yeah, I ate a shitload of sugar to try to anesthesize these shitty feelings.  But instead of anesthesizing it, it just made the whole situation worse.  As I ate each stupid candy heart, I was reminded of my own fatness, my own disgustingness, my own unloveability.

This week, I talked to my therapist about how painful this Valentine’s Day will be for me, this being the first one I have to face alone in a while.  I mean, my husband and I were together for nine years, married for seven of them.  She didn’t seem to truly understand VDay as a painful day for me.  She told me to celebrate the day for what it is, a celebration of love.

I told her that I was right all along, from back in my college days.  I knew I was different then, and I still understand myself as that now.  I told her that what actually happened in this marriage is that two ‘differents’ found each other and fell in love.  I was different because three people fucked me, and he was different because he was born in the wrong body.  Two ‘differents’ found each other, and now that we know for sure that love is not enough to save what was ultimately doomed from the start, we are each alone again, and I want to eat a shitload of candy again to numb the pain.

This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  Valentine’s day comes every year, and every year I am painfully reminded that I feel like a freak.


3 Comments so far
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I’m so sorry.

Comment by sanabituranima

Nice to know someone like me. Your title caught my eye since the family I was raised in consisted of drug and sex addicts so abuse was rampant, all kinds, everyday.

I lived in denial of it having affected me deeply and now that I know I want to support others like me and quit keeping the silence on it.

I would fire your therapist for lacking empathy. You suffered enought already from lack of that and unconditional love and so on, I know.

I don’t know if anyone loves me but I have always held hope and I guess that loving oneself is worthwhile. There are other singles in all stages of life that are living out that dreaded day so if you wanted to have fun do something you like and you won’t be alone. But I would totally get yourself pampered and embrace loving you. Show yourself some love girl!!! You deserve it and it comes from someone you are learning to trust.

Comment by Catherine Marie Elder

Dear Butterfly,

I understand the feeling. Only too well.

Sometimes, a lot of times, holidays have to be gotten through rather than celebrated.

I’m sorry that you feel like a freak. I know that you are not one.

We are sending you all our love and good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975




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