Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Not a Reason – But a Topic we need to discuss re: Transgender issues
February 16, 2012, 5:43 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

*** Please note – this discussion will be triggering to the trans community and supporters of the trans community. ***

So, we need to talk.  A few weeks ago, my blog generated some discussion about the fact that I am “cissexist”.  I didn’t even know what the word meant, but here’s my understanding of it: Cisgender means ‘anyone who is not transgendered’.  So, when people call me cissexist, they probably mean that I am not giving trans people the rights and respects that they are entitled to.

I agree.  Calling my husband “he/she” or “huz/wife” can certainly be seen as offensive, and I am not trying to offend the trans community or supporters of the trans community.  Here is the situation: While I was married to my husband, she viewed herself as a he.  So he thought he was a he for the entirety of our dating and married life (9 years).  Literally, I married a ‘he’ and was married to a man who thought he was a man.  However, just as literally, it turns out I was married to a ‘she’ in a ‘he’ body.  Now, since he identified as ‘he’ during our marriage, when I refer to him in the past tense, I will continue to refer to him as he.  That was what he thought he was, that was what I was married to, and that is what she calls herself in the past tense.  Anything other than that makes me start to think I am crazy and that I imagined my whole marriage to a man.  It is something I am still working on with both my husband and my therapist, both of whom assure me I was married to a man while we were married.

We are still living together, and truly, he is my best friend. Currently, he is still presenting as ‘he’ for 95% of the time, so I am still referring to him as he in the present tense.  This is what we have agreed to call him while he presents in male mode.  However, in order to keep it straight with my readers, I call him ‘he/she’ so that they understand that his orientation as transgendered has not changed, he is still a she inside.  Now, unfortunately, the term ‘he/she’ is offensive because in this case he is actually a ‘she’, not half of one and half of the other, especially since he does not identify as gender-queer.  For purposes of this blog though, I am not sure how to refer to him without using the pronouns ‘he/she’ without confusing my readers any further.  Trans community and supporters, I need your help.

I need for my non-regular readers to know that I was married to a man.  I also need for them to know he feels like a woman on the inside, looks like a man on the outside the vast majority of the time, and is working on looking like a woman on the outside the vast majority of the time.  This involves a lot of mixed pronouns and he/she type language.  How can I proceed with offending the least amount of people possible?  What language do you suggest I use?

May I also suggest the following, with all due respect to the trans community?  I understand that this is an upsetting issue.  But just like the word ‘fuck’, we can choose to get upset about the terminology, or we can take back the words and own them.  We can choose to get upset that I use the word fuck a lot, or we can choose to get upset that people fuck kids.  In the same vein, we can choose to get upset that I use the words he/she (with no disrespect intended), or we can choose to get upset at people who force us into a binary system of he/she in the first place and don’t want to pass GENDA laws or accept the presence of a third gender (transgenders).  Do you see what I mean?

My ex husband/wife is not upset at my usage of mixed pronouns.  She has her own blog now, which I would give you a link to, but she has her picture up there and I am trying to remain anonymous in my blog.  She feels that we have real issues to get upset about in society, and political correctness is not a hot button issue for her.  As a survivor of incest and child sexual abuse, I feel a little differently.  I would not want someone making light of my pain by using offensive language like ‘fondling’.  However, if a fellow survivor or well-wisher used it with no offense intended, I would be okay with it.  Does this make sense?

Anyway, if the trans community and supporters can think of a way for me to refer to the huz/wife when I reference our our unique situation, then I welcome suggestions and dialogue around this issue.

8 Comments so far
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hello anonymous: I am in agreement with your huz/wife. The only time I get upset when someone uses he/she is when it is someone who isn’t involved with the community or are using it in some manner that is offensive. If it is someone who has connection to the community (such as you do) I don’t get offended.

Much like you I am a survivor of abuse and I get offended when people make lite of it. I have heard comments such as “it was only discipline” “that is how people disciplined back then” etc. That was with out knowing full details of my abuse back ground and I do take that offensive. Anyone who has been through some form of abuse wouldn’t of said something like that. But, if they have and made light or tried to joke about a certain aspect of abuse, I wouldn’t be as upset because I know some people handle bad situations different then others.

My only suggestions is:

1. don’t worry about offending others except you and your huz/wife/best friend. You can’t please everyone. So, only worry about those closest to you.

2. If you really want a pronoun other then she/he then how about s/he (describes the fact that s/he is he 95% of the time but working on being she more) or siz is alteritive noun some use.

Comment by transhawk

Hi Transhawk – I appreciate you taking the time to comment, and the suggestion of s/he. Thank you.

Comment by butterflysblog

This is they type of thing that burns my buns. Give the woman a break people – Butterfly is a survivor with a panic disorder, she’s getting a divorce and her husband/protector/best friend is transitioning to female. She’s got enough to worry about.

On top of that, she is entitled (as all divorcing people are, by divine law I think) to bitch unreasonably and angrily about her soon to be ex for at least a year post breakup and she’s not even doing that. So don’t get all judgmental and nit-picky on her ass.

Go and hassle republicans, rapists and child abusers and people who are who are *not* already good-enough allies of differently gendered folks. You should know Butterfly is an ally if you read her blog. If Butterfly’s spouse is good with how she refers to hir, than that should be good enough. Jeepers!

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Warrior – you are so funny. “Go and hassle republicans…”. LOL!!

In all seriousness, thank you for defending me. I appreciate it.

Comment by butterflysblog

Dear Butterfly,

I was composing a response and read SwordDanceWarrior’s so I guess I can say, I agree and what she said.

So here goes: Butterfly is a sweet heart and she is not doing something on purpose or out of prejuidice or disrespect. If you can’t hear her pain, anguish, goodness and soul in her blog and understand that she did nothing wrong then understand this:

There is an issue about transgender and language in our shared culture that all of us experience, but Butterfly is not the person who caused those issues and that hatred and that bi-gendered world that we live in. Cut her some slack, we are talking about a few words, or don’t read or don’t comment if you are not capable of being loving, kind and supportive. She is going through the loss of her marriage and her partner. Butterfly is not being hateful and judgmental. The least you owe her is to not do that on her blog.


Comment by kate1975

Sworddancewarrior: the only thing is that it sounds like Butterfly would like to learn more about this issue, and I really applaud that! So while people absolutely shouldn’t be mean, I think they’re right to call out problematic language.

Butterfly, I sympathize your struggles with this issue. I found a very good discussion in the comments on Feministe’s post about the transgender girl who was in the news recently (in particular Donna L’s comments were heartwarming, and here is a link to one of them:

Here’s another good discussion on Matt Kailey’s blog. Good luck and strength to you!

Comment by startledoctopus

No problems – I use to give seminars on trans gender(ism). There are a lot of people (still) that are non educated about such things as the difference between gender and sexuality.

Plus, there are those who only needed somebody answer their questions for them. I was welling to be that some body (even though my mother wasn’t really happy about me being that somebody.

I agree with Warrior however, you do have a right to rant and bitch – you have been through a lot. You also have also have a right to ask such questions as what pronoun should I use..hell we all have been there a time or two.

People need to back the heck up and get off the high horse.

Comment by transhawk

I completely understand your reasoning and agree.
One thought, however, is that I have a son with dissociative identity disorder who has a female “part”. I also have a daughter who was severely abused who says she is a “he” 99% of the time. Her reasoning is that men do not hurt boys, they only hurt girls. People have all different reasons for legitimately feeling as though they are one sex or the other at any given time.

Comment by 5kidswdisabilities

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