Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason # 281: Caterpillars and Butterflies
February 20, 2012, 5:48 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

A few months ago, I went to a craft fair and I saw this sign: ‎”If you want to be a butterfly, you must be willing to stop being a caterpillar.”

As my regular readers know, I call myself ‘Butterfly’ on here because I believe that child sexual abuse survivors (and really any trauma or adversity survivors) are kind of like butterflies.  When we were getting abused, we had to hole up in our cocoons and hide.  Then we spend a great deal of time afterwards hiding in our cocoon because we become so afraid of the world.  We begin to believe that since one person (or in my case, three people) abused us, the whole world will also be abusive.

I want to be a butterfly.  I really do.  But I can see that I am still in caterpillar mode most of the time.

Last month marked a year since my husband began the process of figuring out that h/she was transgendered, and next month it will be a year since h/she told me that she is a girl.  Next month will be a full year since my heart was shattered.

I have put an ad on a dating website online.  I’m not sure what to think about that.  Now that I am beginning to conceptualize myself as a woman who is back in the dating world, I can’t help but think about the potential dudes that I would want to date or who would date me.  Honestly, they all scare the fucking crap out of me.  Hence my caterpillarness.  I was afraid of them before I married my husband, and now that my heart has been broken in such a unique way, I feel afraid of new dudes in both the ‘he will rape me or beat me’ way and also the ‘he doesn’t know himself and he will figure it out by being with me’ way. And, of course, I am also terrified that some new dude would be looking to get into a relationship with me as a way to fuck my kid.

I am not sure what the future holds for me though.  In my butterfly moments, I look forward to the future with hope.  Hope of healing and being a whole Butterfly all by myself, and then being able to share my whole Butterfly self with some new guy.  In my more familiar and regular caterpillar thoughts though, I scare myself silly with the ‘what if’ game.  I play out the scenario of dating.  We meet at a restaurant, a nice safe public place.  Things go well.  We go on a second date, also in a public place.  We date for a few months.  He seems really nice.  Maybe we are a good fit, I think to myself. I lower my guard a bit, and I finally invite him into my room to make out.  I trust him enough to date him. We begin to fall in love. We date for a while. We get married.  One night I see him in my son’s bedroom when we are all supposed to be sleeping.  He sees me seeing him and tries to explain, but I know what the fuck I am looking at.  I WAS the child in that bed over 30 years ago, no explanation is necessary…

See how quickly this thought process turns into an abusive scenario?  I don’t know how to change the mantra, and I sure as shit don’t know how to trust some new dude.  I don’t even really know if I should be open to trusting some new dude.  (Mind you, right now there is no actual new dude; all of this is pure conjecture.)

This brings me to my next bit of caterpillarness.  When I am not sitting here worrying about some predator preying on my son or me, I sit here and worry about the possibility of me being alone from here on out.  I try to tell myself it will be okay.  When I was happily married, I would imagine our marriage breaking for a hundred different reasons (like us not fucking each other, for instance), and I would tell myself I would be okay.  It’s all such a lie though, you know?  I mean, I guess I am okay, if by okay you actually mean ‘alive’.  I am alive.  I am existing.  I am back to work.  I am caring for my son.  I am overeating and throwing up a lot.  I am spending great deals of time at night not sleeping and that makes me tired during the day.  I spend a lot of time talking myself down from panic attacks, and general anxiety.  And I cry a lot.

I want to be a butterfly; I am just not sure how to get there.




3 Comments so far
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Hugs to you Butterfly. May it all work better than you could possibly imagine. You deserve it.


Comment by sworddancewarrior

Hi Butterfly,

I hear what you are saying. The symbol of a butterfly is very potent and healing for me. I know that you see yourself as a catepillar and really we think of them as pretty slow and dull. But they can be very beautiful as well and I think their lives must be marvelous, perhaps as marvelous as any others.

I understand that you want to fly, I can really relate to that. I wanted to say that though you might not see it or feel it, I can, and I see you fly and I see you soar at times. And I believe that you will see it and that you will fly and that it will be beautiful and marvelous.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

I’m just going to say the truth, cuz that’s what I always do. I feel that the scenario you described? It’s so sadly true for sooo many people. And you know what happens next. the wife/girlfriend is first disgusted, but then as the possibility of life alone creeps in, begins to rationalize, and before you know it, she’s picked her sickening rapist over her own child. Can’t even count the times that’s happened. That very scenario is why I am terrified to have children. I’m sure I’ve gone into detail several hundred times about that on my blog.;) So what do you do about it? Stats are 20% of men are rapists or serial rapists. How are we supposed to feel about that. That’s one in four, for Christ’s sake.

I say your fear is totally valid. I think that you’re even considering it as a possibility makes you 10 times smarter than most women out there. I think the best thing you can do is trust your gut and pray that if he turns out even after seeming perfect to be some sort of abuser, that you still have the strength to dump his ass in jail and never see them again. Think you’re strong enough to do that? Then you’re strong enough to date and take that chance. The worst may never ever happen, but IF it does, you know what you will do. And a word of advice: Abusers are usually scared off if you say that your child knows what to do if they are approached, and that you’ve been there and will kill put his ass in jail for life (everyone knows that saying you’ll kill them is an empty threat, or that’s what abusers believe because they think they’re untouchable). Most women are clueless and chose love and not being alone over their children. So to hear that…likely you’ll weed them out that way. And if they aren’t man enough and are scared off by that anyway, do you what that kinda guy in your life? I think not.

Comment by Miss Hillary (@Hill_arina)

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