Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason # 282: I want to lose weight
February 27, 2012, 9:01 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

I walked into my therapist’s office last week, and said “I want to lose weight, and I want you to help me.”

She said “Okay, let’s work on it.”

I said, “Here’s the thing though.  When I think about losing weight, I think about being in a thin body, and then I feel much more rapeable.  It’s kind of a 1, 2, 3 thought process for me.  First I will lose the weight, then I will be thin, then I can be raped much more easily than I can in this fat body.”

She has tried to argue the logic of this with me before.  She has tried the whole ‘fat women get raped too’ spiel, but that hasn’t convinced me to stop being fat.  She has also tried the whole ‘healthier women can run away from rapists better than fat women’ thing too, and that also has no effect.  I said as much to her in this session.

She once explained to me that when logic and emotion meet in an argument, logic must always defer to emotion’s reasoning.  She said that when you try to attack an emotional argument with logic, you will always lose. The emotional person will always win, because no matter what logic you throw into the argument, the emotional person will always come back with an emotional argument.  That’s why her logic about rape happening to fat people didn’t mean anything to me; my argument for being fat is not logical in the first place, so logic won’t win the argument either.

She said “Why don’t we talk about why you think that if you lose weight it is easier to rape you?”

I said “Well, it’s irrefutable fact.  When I was in a smaller body, three people used my body against my will.  I know for sure that when I am smaller, people use their bodies to hurt mine.”  Then I started to cry, and I said “To be very honest with you, it was only in the last year of our marriage that I stopped being SO afraid that my husband would rape me, and I was able to sleep comfortably next to him at night.”

She looked so startled by this admission, and said she hadn’t realized that. Then she asked me why this admission made me cry.  I said “Because I am ashamed!  Look at us!  He never wanted to even have sex with me, and here I was afraid of rape for 8 of the 9 years we were together.  Even in the last year, I was still afraid of it.”

I am ashamed of my thought process, I guess. I am ashamed of how truly distorted my cognitions are.  H/she was a sweet loving husband, and rape would have been the furthest thing from his mind.  H/she didn’t even want sex!  But we did cuddle and kiss a lot, and I guess I always assumed that his baser instincts were going to kick in, and I’d be surprised by him raping me, and so I felt I had to be hypervigilant in bed against him.

I said “The thing is, whenever I got really afraid in bed with him, I automatically lost the power of speech too.  I wanted to talk, but I couldn’t figure out how to do it.  So I would lay there terrified, staring at him, wanting to speak and unable to.”

She started talking to me in a really soft gentle voice.  She does that whenever I cry, especially about the sex abuse.  She said “You go back to being a little girl who can’t talk.  When these things happen, you forget you are an adult, and you go back to being a little girl.”

She’s right.  I want to lose the weight, I really do. But in my mind, losing the weight makes me vulnerable.  Thinner = smaller body = little girl’s body = more vulnerable to rape.

I walked in to that session saying I want to lose weight.  I left that session and literally drove to McDonald’s. I have been binging ever since.

9 Comments so far
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Dear Butterfly,

I’m so sorry dear. I see this is so hard and I wish I could say that I have managed to deal with these issues and you will too, but I can’t, because I haven’t managed to deal with these issues yet either. However, I do believe that we two can deal with them and that we can heal.

I’m sorry that it was so triggering and that it triggered you into binging behaviors. I am so glad that you have a therapist who can be good and gentle with you, especially when she lowers her voice and is extra gentle when you cry. A therapist who is gentle and healing is so important. I’m glad that you have that. I am glad that you are so brave that you can address these issues in yourself and through therapy. I am glad that you can grasp the concept of cognition and your own cognitions and how they are inaccurate. That takes a lot of bravery and courage and insight and many many survivors never do that or cannot or refuse to.

You willingness and courage in working on healing never fails to knock me on my ass in shock and amazement. You really are one of the most courageous people I have ever known. I’m sorry to say that great personal courage never translates into feeling good, great, and courageous. If it did, you would be feeling good, great and courageous.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

Ahhh, Butterfly! I have missed your blog and see I have a lot to catch up on. I’m also kicking my own ass for not being here with–at the very least–supportive reading and comments.

I really missed your writing, but I had to back off a bit due to some things in my own life, but gawd, I feel like a shit because you’ve *really* been going through some things !!

Hugs, girlie. I mean big, huge emotional hugs ….

I’ll be here reading and I’ll be here commenting and supporting you.

Victoria (formerly ATL bloggger 😉 )

Ps– if possible, can you please delete the link to my old blog if it happens to post with my comment? Thanks, doll 🙂

Comment by All Time Love

Hi Kate – my goodness, this comment made me feel so good. YOU always make me feel good. There something so inherently good about you, like your very soul is all heart. Thank you for being in my life.

Hi Victoria – Welcome back! Your old blog link did come through but I have no idea how to delete it? If you do though, please explain it to me…

Comment by butterflysblog

Hi Butterfly 🙂

If you go into your WP dashboard, look for the “comments” section, click on my particular comment and you’ll see an option menu open where you can edit the comment, including the email and URL fields.

It’s not a huge deal or anything, but it is a handy bit of know-how nonetheless 🙂

Thank you 😀

Comment by All Time Love

Dear Butterfly,

You’re welcome! Yes I truly do believe that I have a wonderful soul. And a wise one as well. It doesn’t lead me astray.

Thank you for telling me that I always make you feel good. I still doubt myself a lot, so I love hearing the good stuff over and over. I know you have said positive things to me, lots of them, but I value and treasure any positive words and even more so from those who we love and treasure in our heart and soul, and that includes you.

And it is easy to be good to someone who is as lovely and lovable as you. You are such a beacon of courage and bravery and knowing you always helps me to heal a little bit more.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

What works for me with this kind of irrational trigger and memory emotion driven stuff is to feel the original feelings during therapy. I get to ‘be’ the little girl crying or being afraid and being comforted by the therapist. I feel like I literally ‘am’ her. It seems to bleed off the emotion feeding the trigger behaviour and helps me be more rational. A good sexual abuse therapist will understand that you need to reexperience and won’t pull you out of it, but you can make sure by talking to her about it. It seems to help integrate the little kid memories.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

SDW – This is incredibly insightful. Thank you for sharing it with me, I appreciate it.
– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

all I can say is, this is why I don’t want a boyfriend. Well, I DO, but this is why I can’t have one. Or be married. Aside from the other fears about that.

Comment by Miss Hillary (@Hill_arina)

This kind of therapy, losing weight and making the mind body connection between victim and survivor is one of the toughest things anybody can do for themselves. Bravo to you for saying it out loud. It is what we are all thinking.

You are brilliant. You know how to do the math. You have the patience and the where with all to keep it all together. And you sound ready for a big change. I know it is possible. Your life is a miracle. We all want to see you in metamorphosis. You go, Butterfly!

Comment by sandma1half

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