Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #286: Can She Hurt Us Now?

I was talking to my therapist about the babysitter, and how I think a lot of my general anxiety/phobia has to do with her.  Since I don’t have conscious memory of her, I am basing this on circumstantial evidence.  All my fears started after she babysat us, but before my brother ever touched me.

Lately, we have been drilling down through a bunch of shit to get to the real issue: the babysitter and her effects on me. I told the therapist that a part of me almost feels like I made a childhood pact with my brother to keep silent about everything, and that if I tell, I am breaking that pact.  It’s an odd thing, because he later became one of my abusers. But we were SO young when she fucked us, and it’s almost like surviving a war together.  In actual adult combat wars, soldiers call each other “battle buddies”.  I guess that’s what we were – battle buddies – before he became my next battle.

The therapist said that whether or not there was an actual pact, there was certainly an air of implicit silence.  Then I told her that I think we were both afraid she would hurt us in some way if we told.  (Truth be told, I am afraid even as I write this.) She reminded me that I am an adult, and no longer a child.

I looked at the therapist and said “Can she hurt us?”  The therapist said “How do you mean?”  I said, “I mean, now, can she hurt us?  Can she find us and hurt us?”

She said no. I said “How do you know?”  She said that the babysitter was only interested in fucking kids, she doesn’t want adults.  She reminded me again that I am an adult, and that I have the power.

I know that logically it doesn’t make sense to wonder if the babysitter could hurt us now. I understand that. But in all honesty, where is the logic in any of this?  It isn’t logical to fuck kids, but that happened to me.  It also isn’t logical for a brother to use a sister in a sexual way, or for a father to look at his daughter as a wife, but those things happened to me too.  So why should ‘logic’ be the dictating rule here?? Why should I be operating from a ‘logical’ standpoint when none of the originating actions were logical to begin with?

So who knows if she can hurt us now?  Why is that fear any less real than anything else?  The therapist said that when I think about her, I am using a child/adult dynamic with her, and that I revert to my young self.  I’m sure she is right about that.

Can she hurt us now?  I have no idea.  But it sure is scary to think about, and it makes it hard to think about telling too.


4 Comments so far
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You are an amazing person. I was just listening to “Mi Sheberach”, and realizing how resourceful you are with the many ways you have taught yourself to heal your heart and your mind. That is so beautiful.

I want to give you a hug and tell you “of course, she can’t hurt you”. But you have a great respect for your own fears, and that itself is brave and very honest.

I hope that you find yourself able to sleep better. You deserve to heal and be the best person you can be.

Comment by sandma1half

Hi
You don’t know me, I just found your blog by chance. I, and my five siblings (six children – four boys and two girls) were abused by our father as children. He was physically, verbally, emotionally and sexually abusive. I sometimes joke “anything you can add ‘abusive’ to, he was!”. My mum was not aware of the abuse as she was ill (he was her carer, we believe Munchhausen by proxy was at work there). He is a psychopath in every sense of the word, and very dangerous.

I have not had contact with him in 12yrs. No charges were ever laid against him, he is too smart for that. My eldest brother (I am the youngest and female) denied it all happened and is in contact with our father. So I do not have that brother in my life. It is too dangerous to be in anyway linked with the father.

Yesterday I found out my closest brother (in age and in relationship) had lunch with the father last weekend. I have tried since to talk to my brother but he refuses to speak to me. This is after weeks of him being angry and not speaking to our mother and sister, though we don’t know why. He has since said to me, that when I can prove I have shown him the same level of caring he has shown me in the last few years, he will speak to me.

Two years ago I had a lot of memories resurface and I tried any way I could to stop them. It ended with my admittance to the Psychward at the local hospital, and I am currently (and have been for many years) in treatment for PTSD and GAD. I am always afraid of the father. Always afraid he will find me. Even though I am independent, an adult and capable of so much, he still scares me to death. I would rather die than ever have him touch me again.

I am telling you all this, not for sympathy. And I am sure many many other people have told you their stories too. I am telling you this, because I need someone else to understand how terrified I am. Terrified of the father being in any way connected with my life. Terrified he is taking my brother away from me. Terrified of the memories coming back. Terrified that he could hurt me again. My remaining family do understand, but they are also worried for themselves and their safety, as they should be.

Does the fear ever stop? Will I ever feel safe?
I don’t expect anything from you. But I needed to say this all to someone who is in no way connected with any of it, but someone who would also understand. And so for that, I thankyou. And I wish you the very best in your life, all the happiness and joy that you can handle. You deserve it.

Comment by destroythequeen

Hi DestroyTheQueen,

What happened to you and your siblings is terrible and wrong. Thank you for speaking up about it. Every time one of us breaks the secret, it frees us all a little bit more.

-Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

Hello Dear Butterfly,

I think that your therapist asks some good questions. That is great. As you said, logic doesn’t always change the fear that has been gripping a survivor for decades.

Perhaps a question that you might want to think about is, what do you need right now to feel safe enough, so that you can work towards ending your silence around this abuser?

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975




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