Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #290: We Know Why The Caged Bird Sings

Last night, I was sitting with my ex, and we began talking about the time before we were married.  We dated for a year before we got engaged, and then we were engaged for a year.  My ex-spouse said “Do you remember how you used to test me all the time?”  I said yes.

I used to ask all my potential suitors this question: “Why does the caged bird sing?”  If they knew the answer, then I would file that answer away under “Men who may understand my history of child sex abuse”.  If they didn’t know the answer, I would take it as a warning that they had not known or understood suffering.

Pretty ridiculous, huh?  I know that now. After working with my therapist, I now also understand that many of my ways of categorizing people are just as stupid. Like for instance, how I categorize people into ‘safe’ or ‘unsafe’ based on their name. I understand now that this is an illusory attempt at safety. (For the most part. I still categorize people that way, but I tell myself that this is my own shit, and possibly not real.)

My ex-spouse knew the answer to the caged bird question, and I filed that away under ‘safer people to get to know better”.  But as you know, I got my heart broken anyway and the romantic relationship ended. It turns out that my ex knew the answer to the question because he/she was living in her own cage.

Survivors of incest and child sexual abuse are like caged birds, singing for our freedom, singing because we have to, singing because it is our only way of staying sane within a terrible cage.  People who love us will learn about our cages and try to help us find our freedom.  I think that what I have learned is that it’s not necessary for someone to know the answer to the question right away, as long as they are willing to learn the answer.

An excerpt from the poem:  Sympathy

by Paul Laurence Dunbar (1872 – 1906)

“I know why the caged bird sings, ah me,
When his wing is bruised and his bosom sore,—
When he beats his bars and he would be free;
It is not a carol of joy or glee,
But a prayer that he sends from his heart’s deep core,
But a plea, that upward to Heaven he flings —
I know why the caged bird sings”

Reason #289: My Aunt and Passover dinner

So you remember how I was so worried about my sister-in-law and Easter dinner? Well, it turns out I should have looked a lot closer to home before worrying about my sister-in-law. My sister-in-law came around on her own!  She said that she finally realized “How does this affect me, really?”  Then she said that once she realized that this is not a threat to her in any way, she became cool with it.  She also said that once she was with her brother for two seconds, she realized that the relationship has not changed at all.  I thought this was such growth on her part.

Unfortunately, it looks like some members of my family have not experienced such forced growth. This past Saturday night, my ex and I went to Passover dinner with my family.  A note about our divorce situation – I know it’s different than the normal divorce.  As my mom remarked — “Your divorce is better than most marriages!”  This is true – we are still living together, and we are okay for the most part.  Well, I should say, I cry myself to sleep almost every night, but that is more about my sadness over where I am in life, and not a reflection on the way we get along with each other. Anyway, my point is, we are still living together, and have no immediate plans to separate living spaces.  So, we still function as a married couple, kind of.  But we have been in separate bedrooms for a long time now, and we no longer kiss or hold hands, obviously. And we do plan on getting around to actually divorcing at some point.

In a way, our relationship has kind of morphed from being husband and wife to being close sisters and best friends.

So we went to Passover dinner on Saturday night, and my Aunt fucking attacked my ex.  I felt like I had to stand up for my ex because it was my family.  When we were married, we worked under the assumption that my ex would take care of his family shit, and I would take care of mine.  This seemed to work really well for us. Now, I still feel the same even though we aren’t married and he is a she.

So, I got into it with my Aunt.  She said such nasty things to my ex.  She obviously felt that the whole transgender thing was a choice, and a bad one at that.

The whole thing made me remember how she handled the news that I had been incested by my brother.  She said to me “Things happen between brothers and sisters.”  I finally had to tell her “Oral sex doesn’t happen between brothers and sisters”, which stunned her into silence for the moment.

It may seem like the two issues – incest and transgenderism – have nothing in common, but in fact they do.  Incest is a fairly common thing that happens in many homes.  But no one ever talks about it.  It’s such an ugly thing, such a shitty taboo to break.  Transgenderism is somewhat rare, but it’s not something that anyone has ever had any personal experience with until it happens to someone you know and/or love.  Both issues take a lot of education.

In both issues, there is a lot of downplaying and a lot of victim blaming.  My Aunt wishes I would shut the fuck up about how incest and child sexual abuse has affected my life, so that she doesn’t have to be uncomfortable with the knowledge that this happened to me. My aunt also likes to think that transgendered people should hide who they really are so as not to make her uncomfortable.

I live with the hope that my Aunt Will come around, in terms of her thought processes with all of this.  It’s not a choice.  It’s not my ex’s choice to be transgendered, it wasn’t my choice to be an incest survivor, and it’s neither of our choices to suffer ill consequences of what has happened to us.  But these are our lives now, and we have to live them.  I’d rather do that with my family’s support, but she really has never come to understand that my being incested wasn’t a choice (even with all my attempts at educating her), so she probably will never understand my ex’s life either.

Reason #288: My Sister-In-Law and Easter Dinner

My sister in law has been acting like an ass around my ex ever since my ex has come out to her as transgendered.  Her latest shit was that she arranged for an Easter family gathering at a time she knew my ex couldn’t make it.  My ex-husband/wife was understandable upset about this, and remarked to me (in a surprised but hurt voice) that “she would rather exclude me from a family gathering than have me there, just because I am transgendered”.  I felt so terrible for my ex then, and I wished I could fix it for her.

I don’t really understand my sister-in-law’s attitude about this.  I mean, as the wife in this relationship, I was betrayed.  Unintentional betrayal, but it was betrayal all the same.  I married a man, and ended up divorcing a woman. It has absolutely fucked with my world-view, and I am having a host of other effects from this latest betrayal in my life. But what does my sister-in-law care that her brother is becoming her sister?  I mean, in what real way does this affect her, really?  Does it take some adjusting?  Yes.  Should she have feelings about that?  Of course!  But to shun a family member who’s been so good to you just because you’re too closed-minded to accept that human beings come in many forms?  I don’t understand that. For me, humans come in two forms: good people who don’t/won’t intentionally harm me, and bad people who do/will intentionally harm me.  That’s what happens when you fuck kids; we base our entire opinions of people based on whether they will or won’t harm us.

The thing is, when I think about it, I wish I could face my sister-in-law and say this: You have no idea how lucky you are.  I would have killed to have had a brother like the one you had growing up, and yet you’re willing to piss away the whole relationship just because your brother is becoming your sister.  I take this issue personally, mostly because I wasn’t lucky enough to have a nice brother. I wasn’t born into that kind of family. Instead, I had a brother that sexually abused me and didn’t really have any love in his heart for me.  You had a brother that was nice to you all the time and genuinely loved you.  Abusing your spirit and body would have been the furthest thing from his mind. I had a brother that did not love me and the only time he was nice to me was when he was molesting me.  Now you have come to find out that your brother is not who you thought he was. I am here to tell you that just because someone is not who you think they are doesn’t make them any less worthy of your love.  Your brother is becoming your sister, and I am so jealous. I wish I had a brother who loved me, who didn’t abuse me, who I could feel close to.  If I had that kind of brother, and I found out she was becoming my sister, I’d be overjoyed.  Instead I have the kind of brother who I fear would rape me if I were alone in a room with him. 


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