Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #289: My Aunt and Passover dinner

So you remember how I was so worried about my sister-in-law and Easter dinner? Well, it turns out I should have looked a lot closer to home before worrying about my sister-in-law. My sister-in-law came around on her own!  She said that she finally realized “How does this affect me, really?”  Then she said that once she realized that this is not a threat to her in any way, she became cool with it.  She also said that once she was with her brother for two seconds, she realized that the relationship has not changed at all.  I thought this was such growth on her part.

Unfortunately, it looks like some members of my family have not experienced such forced growth. This past Saturday night, my ex and I went to Passover dinner with my family.  A note about our divorce situation – I know it’s different than the normal divorce.  As my mom remarked — “Your divorce is better than most marriages!”  This is true – we are still living together, and we are okay for the most part.  Well, I should say, I cry myself to sleep almost every night, but that is more about my sadness over where I am in life, and not a reflection on the way we get along with each other. Anyway, my point is, we are still living together, and have no immediate plans to separate living spaces.  So, we still function as a married couple, kind of.  But we have been in separate bedrooms for a long time now, and we no longer kiss or hold hands, obviously. And we do plan on getting around to actually divorcing at some point.

In a way, our relationship has kind of morphed from being husband and wife to being close sisters and best friends.

So we went to Passover dinner on Saturday night, and my Aunt fucking attacked my ex.  I felt like I had to stand up for my ex because it was my family.  When we were married, we worked under the assumption that my ex would take care of his family shit, and I would take care of mine.  This seemed to work really well for us. Now, I still feel the same even though we aren’t married and he is a she.

So, I got into it with my Aunt.  She said such nasty things to my ex.  She obviously felt that the whole transgender thing was a choice, and a bad one at that.

The whole thing made me remember how she handled the news that I had been incested by my brother.  She said to me “Things happen between brothers and sisters.”  I finally had to tell her “Oral sex doesn’t happen between brothers and sisters”, which stunned her into silence for the moment.

It may seem like the two issues – incest and transgenderism – have nothing in common, but in fact they do.  Incest is a fairly common thing that happens in many homes.  But no one ever talks about it.  It’s such an ugly thing, such a shitty taboo to break.  Transgenderism is somewhat rare, but it’s not something that anyone has ever had any personal experience with until it happens to someone you know and/or love.  Both issues take a lot of education.

In both issues, there is a lot of downplaying and a lot of victim blaming.  My Aunt wishes I would shut the fuck up about how incest and child sexual abuse has affected my life, so that she doesn’t have to be uncomfortable with the knowledge that this happened to me. My aunt also likes to think that transgendered people should hide who they really are so as not to make her uncomfortable.

I live with the hope that my Aunt Will come around, in terms of her thought processes with all of this.  It’s not a choice.  It’s not my ex’s choice to be transgendered, it wasn’t my choice to be an incest survivor, and it’s neither of our choices to suffer ill consequences of what has happened to us.  But these are our lives now, and we have to live them.  I’d rather do that with my family’s support, but she really has never come to understand that my being incested wasn’t a choice (even with all my attempts at educating her), so she probably will never understand my ex’s life either.

2 Comments so far
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Well said. You sound clear and powerful on this.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Hi Butterfly,

I can well relate to the fact of relatives wanting to believe the comforting lies that they have invented. It saves them having to examine the horrors and messiness of life, one where sex offenders are family members and where little children carry pain and damage into the rest of their lives.

I’m sorry that your aunt wants to believe such lies and feels entitled to verbally abuse others with her judgments and untruths.

Good and healing thoughts to you and to those you love.


Comment by kate1975

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