Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #291: Creating safety

When you go to therapy, do you ever try to edge away from the tough stuff and talk about fluff instead?  It’s kind of stupid to do that, but I do that sometimes.  The reason it’s stupid is that I am paying this person to work with me through my tough stuff.  But then shit gets scary and I spend the next few sessions talking about my job or some shit.  Then a few weeks later we’ll get back to the sex abuse.

Yesterday I asked her if there are child sex abuse survivors out there who come out of this okay.  She said that some are more okay than others, but no one comes away from an abusive experience unscathed.  So then I said “Why am I so afraid then?  It seems like I am more fucked up with the fear and phobia than any other survivor I know.”

She explained that I was never safe.  She said that I lived in a house with a mom who was, for whatever reasons, unable to keep me safe.  I lived with two of my perpetrators (brother and father), and mom hired a babysitter that molested us (unbeknownst to her). Since mom lived in her own little world, she was unable to fathom my abused life and was also unable to protect me and create safety for me.  Consequently, I had to create safety for myself.

As a child, my means for making safety was a child’s way.  I became afraid of the dark in an attempt to create safety.  I put the covers over my head to sleep at night.  I used three blankets in winter, with the thought process being that if someone stabbed me in the back, the knife wouldn’t make it through all those layers. I used to get so hot and sweaty under all those blankets, but I refused to use less blankets. I became afraid of my windows, afraid someone out there in the dark was watching me.  Et cetera. All of these things were attempts at creating safety for myself.

I guess the problem is that I never feel like I have achieved true actual safety.  And all these childhood coping mechanisms stayed with me through adulthood. I still have all those coping mechanisms and I have added some over the years.  Like my OCD rituals, or deciding people are good or bad based on their names. Or adding layers of fat onto my body to insulate myself and become unattractive to men.

This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  We create our version of safety, but all it really does is keep people out. We become like turtles, insulating ourselves from the world by hiding inside ourselves.

2 Comments so far
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Hi Butterfly,

I tried to leave a long comment and it got lost, I was having problems with my internet connection, phooey and it is gone. So I will try again.

I agree with you. I think there is a strong connection between panic attacks and agoraphobis and child sexual abuse. A stronger connection if more survivors realized they had been abused, rather than living in denial and repression. I think you write about those connections very well, very honestly, and very courageously. It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge terror and fear.

There is a story in The Courage to Heal in the last section of the book, Courageous Women. Her name is Evie Malcolm. She was agoraphobic and had panic attacks after being sexually abused in the subways of New York City. She was repressed and made the connection when having a flashback. I remember her story and it stands out very strongly in my mind. If you don’t have the book I can email you that story, if you would like.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

Hi Butterfly,

I re-read this post and what really struck me this time was how you wrote that we weren’t safe so we had to create a version of safety for ourselves, based on a child’s level of coping and managing their lives. I think that is so true. And as we grow up we are creating a sense of safety out of dysfunction and abuse and not being able to grow up appropriately due to abuse. Also I think your therapist is very wise and compassionate.

Your post reminded me how important it is for us to all to find safety as an adult so that we are slowly able to let go of our less than functional safety methods.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

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