Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #306: The Astonishment that People Cut Themselves

I was watching Sunday’s episode of The Good Wife, and in this episode a teenaged female character had a history of cutting herself.  The Good Wife was astonished that someone would do such a thing, and exclaimed “Why?? Why would she do such a thing?”  The daughter character responded with something like “I think sometimes people like the feeling of healing”.

My immediate thought was ‘Idiot’. That is so NOT why we cut, you idiots. It sure as shit ain’t about the feeling of healing.  It’s about there being such a fucking shitload of pain inside us that we have to cut ourselves to let a little bit out.  It’s about the fact that you can’t see how much pain we are in so we cut ourselves to give you a glimpse into our pain-filled world.  It’s about the emotional release that comes when the blade touches our skin.  Sometimes it’s about being so dissociated that the cutting feels good.

I can’t stand the astonished ignoramuses who have never been exposed to cutting.  I, of course, used to be one of those judgmental idiots who couldn’t understand why people would cut themselves.  ‘They’ve been hurt so much, and now they are hurting themselves?‘ I used to think. But that is very much the point, unfortunately.

It’s been 20 years since I first cut myself, and over 15 since I last cut myself. But shit, I sure remember how it felt.  Honestly, sometimes I miss it.  I know it doesn’t sound good to say that, but it’s honest.

You shouldn’t fuck kids; that’s a given.  But as you can see from the 305 reasons before this one, there are many reasons not to fuck kids.  Here’s #306: Sometimes the pain gets overwhelming and we can’t take it and we cut ourselves.  And then we watch people talk about us cutters on tv as if we are freaks.

I’m not a freak.  I am a survivor.  I have survived the child sexual abuse.  But this is what surviving looks like, unfortunately.  It’s cutting and secrets and blogs filled with little and big events in my life that are evidence of this survival.

 


5 Comments so far
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Hi Butterfly,

I too was flabbergasted and shocked that the show would cover cutting and then come up with a bs reason that someone could cut and then to not even link it to a high incidence of a history of child sexual abuse. I think that no one on that show knows anything about it, because I would think that anyone who saw that in the script and knew of cutting would tell them the truth and try to get it changed. Informing accurately should matter, it should be important to them. I was really aggravated. I’m so sorry that there was a teachable moment and they decided to be idiots.

It is due to survivors like you and others that I know the truth about cutting. Thank you for speaking out about this. I see how far you have come in this. Good for you.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

You certainly hit the nail on the head, Butterfly. It baffles me that anyone can be so out of touch as to think it’s about “the feeling of healing” (in my experience, the healing was the worst part, by far!), but then again I will never be able to understand what it’s like to live a life untainted by violence.

“It’s about the fact that you can’t see how much pain we are in so we cut ourselves to give you a glimpse into our pain-filled world.” While everything you said here is true, this one has been the biggest one for me as a survivor. If you’re in a horrible car accident, the damage is self-evident. But when you’re a survivor of sexual abuse, often there are no visible marks… my whole life I’ve had to weather violent, gory fantasies day in and day out, because they seemed like the only way to make the pain visible. I had repeated fantasies about coughing up blood in public places, collapsing in a pool of it, getting in horrible car wrecks, and injuring myself to the extreme because the pain itself was so extreme, and so completely invisible.

People cut because their pain is otherwise invisible, and yes, sometimes that dissociation feels so good and so necessary…

Comment by singlequeergrrl

Hi Butterfly,
Here is a piece I wrote a little way back about this topic:

I CUT, BUT…

I CUT MYSELF
BUT JUST TO SEE
THAT I AM STILL IN CHARGE OF ME

I CUT MYSELF
BUT JUST TO FEEL
THAT THE WORLD I’M IN IS REAL

I CUT MYSELF
BUT JUST TO FIND
TEMPORARY PEACE OF MIND

I CUT MYSELF
BUT JUST TO HAVE
RELIEF FROM FEELINGS THAT ARE BAD

I CUT MYSELF
BUT JUST TO SURVIVE
IS THAT REALLY SUCH A BIG PRICE?

Love your blog!

Comment by catgirl64

i’m a sexual abuse survivor and i would say cutting has def. been part of my healing… in the same way that s/m sex was. sure, it wasn’t the healthiest choice, but it kept me alive. and it felt good. it doesn’t mean i wasn’t in lots of pain, but i choose to honour the choices i made along this journey. i didn’t see the show, so i don’t know if they touched on a history of abuse, but i think the character’s statement is a valid one and is true for some of us.

Comment by catherine (@dazzle11215)

[…] Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids has a recent entry about an episode of a popular TV show, that addressed self-harm. She writes: […]

Pingback by Self-harm | one brave duck




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