Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

An Open Letter to Jane Doe of Steubenville
March 18, 2013, 7:55 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized
I found this letter on, and I am reposting it in its entirety here:
Dear Jane Doe of Steubenville,

I know that right now you may not think that life will ever get better. I know that you may think you will never have the life you dreamed of before this happened. No matter what just know this – you are not alone. There are millions of us in this country. There are billions of us in the world. We once were Rape Victims and with time and healing we have become survivors and you will too.

I am so sorry that you have joined this group that some of us belong to. I am sorry that at such a young age your life has become this. I am sorry for the guilt you sometimes feel. I am sorry for the shame you sometimes feel. All of us in this group have felt the same at one point or another. It won’t be easy, I won’t lie to you but I do know this – you will survive, one day at a time, you will survive. As each day that passes and you survive you will move from being a victim to a survivor. I know right now you don’t really understand what that means yet, but in time you will. Until then know that millions and even billions of women and young girls around the world are holding you close in their hearts.
We are holding you in a place that those of us who belong to this group know that women held us when we went through the same feelings. You may not know those of us holding you in our hearts but we are here just the same. We will to continue to hold you and every other young girl and woman who is a victim of rape and we will wait for the day when you understand that you are a survivor.
We will be your voice. We will be your face. We will be your strength. We will not stop holding you until that day, and then we will stand hand to hand, heart to heart, and you will rise up with the millions and billions of other voices to say I AM A SURVIVOR!
Until then we will continue this fight to stop violence against women. Until then we will RISE UP and when you join us you will realize that you were with us all the while. May your journey be filled with people around you who love you, protect you, and support you. We will be waiting here holding you in our heart.
The Survivors of Rape From Around the World

Reason #309: The obesity problem in society

I would like to lose weight.  I am unhappy at the weight I am at. The problem is that whenever I have lost weight in the past, I get to a certain point and no matter what I do, I can’t lose any more weight (even though I would be considered fat at that weight on any doctor’s scale).

Two years ago, I began The Sugar Addicts Recovery Program.  Kathleen DesMaisons feels that if you eat enough protein in the morning, you won’t have as many cravings through the day.  I think she is right, so I have been doing that ever since.  Then about a year ago, I found the Jon Gabriel Method. He explains that if you are anything more than 10 lbs overweight, it is because you do not feel safe losing the weight.  He says that as long as you don’t feel safe, your body will never release its hold on the weight because your body simply doesn’t want to be thin.

I couldn’t agree with him more. I have always known that my fatness was about safety.  I didn’t start gaining weight till my brother began molesting me. As an adult, every time I have tried to lose weight, I have mostly failed.  A thinner body is a smaller body.  When I was in a small body as a child, three people used my smallness to their sexual advantage.  They used my body for their sexual pleasure, and enjoyed their power over me.  When I think about being in a thinner body now, I equate it with smallness.  Smallness hasn’t worked out well for me in the past.  These thoughts and anxieties have thwarted many attempts to lose weight, and eventually my subconscious overtakes me, and I have put on more weight than I have lost in diets.

This, of course, is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. You don’t like the obesity problem in America?  Stop fucking kids.  I was once at a conference on incest, and I swear to G-d, every single one of us (and I’m talking hundreds of people) was overweight.  Some of us were massively overweight.  We have all cleverly figured out that weight is a good shield, a good measure of insulation that keeps people far the fuck away from us. And honestly, this has worked pretty well for me so far.  Somehow when I reach a certain weight, I become invisible to men. This weight has kept me safe.

But the truth is that my adult self is unhappy with this weight now.  I don’t feel protected by it so much anymore. Instead, I feel hampered by it. I feel like my weight is holding me back from being my best self.

As you know from my last post, this year is my year of trying to empower myself. I have spent a lot of time working through this issue in therapy, and listening to Jon Gabriel’s visualizations.  And today I had such a lovely thought.  I tried to imagine myself in a thinner body.  And immediately my mind did its usual thing where thinness=smallness=me getting violated again. But today I changed the ending of that thought. The violator still tries to violate me, but in my thinner smaller body, I am confident and fit.  I am strong and I have a good relationship with my body.  My body and I work together and I fight my would-be violator, and I KICK HIS FUCKING ASS.

He will think twice before ever fucking with me again.

Not a reason, just an update

I haven’t posted in a while.  The thing is, I got freaked out.  I have been secretly keeping this blog for about 4 years now, and when I started it, it was because I had something to prove.  I needed to prove that there are a lot of hidden ways that being a survivor of child sexual abuse has affected me in my daily life.  Most of these effects are the kinds of things that no one but my ex-spouse would know about it.  In other words, it would take someone physically living in my space to be aware of the myriad ways that surviving child sexual abuse has fucked me up.

Of course, even living with me wouldn’t be enough to know all the hidden ways, because a lot of the effects take place in my head.  For instance, fear is a constant effect of having survived the abuse.

My newest fear is that the people I work with would find my blog, or that future people I need to work with would find my blog.  It’s disgusting, but in my line of work, people would judge me for being a survivor.  So I hide it.  But I worry that people would find my blog anyway.  I keep it anonymous for that reason.

The thing is, what began as a blog to prove things has also become a journal about my life.  I never could have predicted that so much change would occur in the space of four short years.  My husband is becoming my ex-wife.  My career is doing stuff I never even thought of. And I am trying to find myself, heal myself, and figure shit out in the meantime.

So that’s where I’ve been lately.

The ex-spouse and I still live together.  We’ve formed a lovely sisterhood, and we are raising our son together.  We will eventually get divorced, probably.  My sweet beautiful son has known his father as a woman since he was 3, and the other day his teacher told us that he explained his situation to another child (in the exact same way we explained it to him).

We originally told him this: “Some boys are born boys, and they look like boys on the outside, and they feel like boys on the inside. Some boys are born boys, and they look like boys on the outside and they feel like girls on the inside.  That’s Daddy.  He looks like a boy on the outside, but feels like a girl on the inside.  So now Daddy will begin looking like a girl on the outside to match what he feels like on the inside.”

He said “Am I a girl?”

Despite our trying to raise him with genderlessness, he’s all boy.  When he has wanted Barbie dolls, we got them for him.  But for the most part, he naturally seemed to gravitate to shit I was never interested in when I was a little girl.  Trucks. Monsters.  Superheroes.  Legos. Wrestling. Et cetera.

So I answered him “No sweetie.”

So that’s him, and that’s my ex.  And for me, I don’t know.  Sometimes I think about my future, and I wonder if there will be another boyfriend or husband or whatever.  Boy would he be in for a world of shit, huh??  I thought I had trust issues before this marriage, but holy shit have they tripled since then!! But I honestly think that is to be expected when you have a happy marriage and your male spouse turns into your female spouse. So, there’s that.

Sometimes though, I think about my life in a different way. This year needs to be about empowerment. I want to be empowered to be my best self. My best self would be someone who thinks a man is a ‘nice to have’, not a ‘have to have’.  Does that make any sense?  What I mean is that I hope that this is the year where I learn to live a more empowered life.

So that’s what I have been working on.  It comes slowly.

To my readers: Thank you for being with me for these last four years.  I will continue writing reasons when I have courage to do so. Thank you for taking the journey with me so far.



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