Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #310: Am I Nuts?
April 8, 2013, 2:01 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

This weekend we went to a gender reassignment surgery specialist, so that my ex-husband could who has been living outwardly as a female for almost a year now could become an anatomically correct woman.  The surgery date has been set, and my ex will become a woman in the eyes of the state on that date.  She has understood herself to be a woman for her whole life (with much of her life spent dissociated from that reality).

Anyway, so on that date, the surgeon will cut off her penis, invert it into a vagina (kind of), and that will be the end. The thought that keeps recurring in my mind is ‘And that will be the end of (Husband’s Name), and it will be like I imagined the whole thing.  It will be like I imagined that a man once loved me so much that he asked me to marry him and spend the rest of our lives together. I will have imagined that a man wanted me in that way.’

It’s very similar to surviving abuse. After the abuse has ended, when all we are left with are murky shitty memories – we ask ourselves “Did I imagine this? Perhaps I am only imagining the intent behind what was done to me?’

We wonder if people will believe us.  There’s no evidence for them to see, no ‘Ah-ha!’ smoking gun that allows people the kind of evidence they really need in order to verify our truths. (Unless you count the nightmares, the night terrors, the flashbacks, the complex post-traumatic stress disorder, the phobias too numerous to count, the dissociation, the traumatic amnesia, the hypervigilance, the checking under the bed and in the closets every night before bed, the obsessive compulsive disorder, etc.)  But no one sees those things, and no one saw the abuse either, so we end up asking ourselves if we are crazy.

Did I imagine this?  Did I imagine that I was less fucked up than I thought and a man really did love me?  He’s a woman now. He was probably a woman then, in man’s clothing. A sheep in wolf’s clothing.  Did I imagine it? Am I nuts?

Did I imagine what happened with my dad? Did he do those things to me? He had a look on his face, and I was uncomfortable. I ran away from him.  Was he a child molester? Or am I nuts?

This is yet another way that being abused as a child has fucked me again in adulthood.  I end up wondering if I am nuts, on a daily basis.

A whole book/play/movie was written about that feeling of being NUTS, due to child sexual abuse.

I am 39. 34 of these years have been spent wondering if I am nuts.  That’s a long ass time to question my own fucking sanity. But as you know, this is my year of empowerment.

In that vein, here goes my new line of thinking:

I am not nuts. I am a survivor of child sexual abuse.  I didn’t imagine it. It happened, it was real, and I am trying to work through it the best that I can with every resource I have.

A man asked me to marry him.  I didn’t imagine that either.  Just because he is now a she does not invalidate my life. Someone loved me.  A man loved me.  And I loved him. And we still love each other, just not romantically anymore.  None of this means that I am not good enough or sane enough to have love in my life again.

May we all stop questioning our own sanity, and start believing ourselves. What happened to us was real.  Terrible but real. I believe myself and I believe you.  And I applaud you for the courage you have to believe me and to believe yourself.

4 Comments so far
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Hi Butterfly,

I too have had to question myself and my own sanity. I see now how I was not questioning others but only myself and that is wrong. When others still abuse me and mistreat me or life brings me bad things to have to deal with, it still impacts my sense of self, sense of reality, and self-esteem. I hate that. I am slowly learning a new way to be.

I love this:

“I am not nuts. I am a survivor of child sexual abuse. I didn’t imagine it. It happened, it was real, and I am trying to work through it the best that I can with every resource I have.”

This really is your year of empowerment. I am so proud of you. I am walking this healing path with you dear. Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

Hi, since I found no direct way to contact you, I’ll comment this post…

I just wanted to say that I found your posts about the forgiveness and compassion and “every conflict has two parties” and “no-one can make you feel anything” sort of bullshit extremely refreshing. Before I started exploring the issue I had no idea how wide-spread this sort of morally diseased garbage is (I find it particularly reprehensible because it uses the language of moral higher ground and virtue). Or that it is employed by actual counselors and therapists.

The sickest example I have encountered so far is this:

Comment by Lotta Roti

Amen to all the empowerment.

What if a *person* once loved you enough ask you to marry them and spend the rest of your lives together? Isn’t that just as important as having a man love you that much?

It seems to me that what’s really important, of course, is that you are 100% loved and deserving of love, whether or not ANY human being had come along yet to tell you so.

Comment by windowseatstories

I’m so glad you feel safe, Butterfly, and I agree with your therapist that you’ll get there.

I know what it’s like to have f–ed up attachment too.

I think it’s okay to understand that your experience of your marriage is different from your hus’s, and that doesn’t invalidate it.

I also get, as a woman abused by men in childhood, that having the positive safe love of a *man* specifically is symbolic and meaningful. I am gay but have men who love me as friends and surrogate brothers, and good uncles and cousins and that means a lot to me, in large part because they are men, and I need to know that good men exist and can love me, along with good women.

I think we get to keep what we gain in our relationships, so now that you’ve successfully attached, you know how to do it. That can’t be taken away from you. It’s not about him, it’s about you too.

I hope when you’re ready you are adored by an awesome man.


Comment by sworddancewarrior

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