Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #316: One great step forward, one normal step back
September 9, 2013, 4:11 pm
Filed under: fear, night, survivor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

Last week I did something incredibly courageous. I took a shower when no one else was home. I really wanted to take a shower, and gosh darn it, I took one! It was WONDERFUL.  Generally, since the shower is such an issue for me (see this and this post), I have to wait until someone is home so that I can feel safe enough to shower.  But not last week! I fucking showered! And it was fucking great!

With every step forward, there is a step back.  Sometimes the steps forward are like giant steps, and sometimes they are more like baby steps. Last week’s shower was a fucking giant step. But progress is never linear. It doesn’t follow a straight line up.  It’s just not how progress works. Not with surviving child sexual abuse, and honestly, not with anything else either. So this week there was a minor setback.

Last night when it was time to go to bed, my ex checked under the bed and in the closet for me. She turned on the house alarm, and checked all the doors in our home to make sure they were securely locked. Then she said goodnight, and went to her room, and I stayed alone in my bedroom.  This is our usual routine. Even though I saw her check in my closet, I still couldn’t shake the fear that someone was in my closet. I knew it was my own fear, and I knew no one could possibly be in the closet, but I was still so afraid! I kept reminding myself “She checked the closet. I saw her check the closet.”  I reminded myself that when I was in the bathroom, I had my bedroom door closed.  I would have seen someone go into the bedroom. Or I would have heard them open the door and walk in.  No one could possibly be in the closet.

Then I thought about how someone could break into my home and take my son. Or rape us both. G-d forbid, G-d forbid. I am afraid right now even typing these words.

But you see what my mind did there, right?  Once I couldn’t be reasonably afraid of the closet anymore, my anxiety went to the next logical place of fear.

My therapist says that if you have done everything you possibly can to keep safe, like have a house alarm, lock your doors, and own a dog, then that is all you can do.  At that point, since you have done everything possible that you need to feel safe, you can rest assured in your own safety.

But last night it wasn’t enough. No amount of calming self-talk was enough. I was too scared, and logic couldn’t fix my fears last night. It was probably about 3AM when I finally fell asleep, after four hours of trying to calm myself enough to be able to go to sleep.

And that is the rub of being a child sexual abuse survivor.  No one sees this part, the part where we are forever scared of night and darkness and sleeping and showering because those are all things that make us vulnerable, and we understand all too well what happens to us when we are vulnerable. No one but those who live with us or those we let in to our little worlds get to see this part of us. For instance, I am meeting a friend for lunch today. She might think I look tired, and she will assume it is because I have been working so hard at work. I have been working hard at work, but you and I both know that I have also put a lot of hard work just into surviving every day and night.

Being too afraid to sleep, to the point where I only got 4 good hours of sleep last night. This is yet another effect of surviving the incest and child sexual abuse that is hidden from the world. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

5 Comments so far
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I think you are one of the most responsible people I’ve probably ever met. I was thinking about my Mom and the fact that she might also be a survivor of something because she would always voice those fears about rape to us as children. And I’m realizing how powerful a tool this blog is for you as a parent. Thank G-d for you and your ability to be an outspoken, yet conscientious and responsible parent. I don’t know how you do it.

Comment by sandma1half

Hi Butterfly,
When this happens to me, it’s because I’ve gotten triggered by something external (often a tv show with a serial killer or abuse or something). If I can figure out what triggered me, I can ‘write off’ the heightened anxiety in my body, as being about that instead of some kind early warning system that something bad is going to happen. eg: “I just watched that scary movie, so that is why I’m getting paranoid about someone breaking in.” I have one of those security bars people use to keep hotel room doors closed that I use when I’m feeling scared, I know nothing can get past it, so I helps, but I try to use it very rarely, and with the knowledge that I’m just comforting myself till the anxiety settles down.
Good for you on taking the shower. That’s awesome!

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Hi Butterfly, you haven’t posted in a while. Hope everything is well with you and your son.

Comment by Nev

i find it interesting that for you, it is difficult to take a shower in an empty house, because for me it the complete opposite. i cannot take a shower when i know others (my kids) are in the house–i am afraid of what they will think. will they wonder why it takes me so long? will they come in the bedroom before I am dressed, and i might come out of the bathroom? will they come all the way into the bathroom while i am either still in the shower or at the sink getting dressed? i am deathly afraid of being seen while i am in a vulnerable state (naked), even by my kids. i find i can only take a shower during the day when they are at school. it is much more difficult for me to shower during the summer months. but whichever way you feel about showering, it is interesting to note that both strategies are designed to keep us from being vulnerable, and to keep us safe. congrats on such a big step forward!!

Comment by kat

This post really resonated with me. At times I am in denial about my CSA but it’s things like these that really hit home and make me confront it for what it is. Thank you.

Comment by doubtswithbenefits

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