Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #112: False sense of security

If I leave the house at all during the day, it’s a sure thing that when I get back I will be frightened. It also unfortunately means that the huz has to check long and hard in the closets, under the bed, and in dark crevices for intruders. The other day, I didn’t leave the house at all. When I was getting ready for bed, I thought to myself how great the night would be, how this would be the first night in so many where I wouldn’t be afraid.

I walked into the bedroom and the huz hadn’t gotten there yet. I immediately felt that familiar panic that sets in when we are going to bed at night. I sat there anxious until he got there.

I probably should have realized that since every night of the last 30 years (since that babysitter fucked my brother and I) has scared me, there’d be no reason for this one not to scare me too. I had a false sense of security because I didn’t leave the house all day. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #99: The Inability to Take My Son to the Park

Last night I called my sister in law to see if she wanted to get together today. I figured we could go to the park and bring our kids, and this way my son could do the thing he loves most in the world which is running around outside. I left a message on her answering machine, and she never called me back.

I tried so hard today to get the courage up to take my son to the park by myself. Or shit, even to our own backyard. And I couldn’t do either. I resorted to playing shitty games with him inside on this beautiful day. He was bored and I was bored.

I got depressed by the end of the day, hating myself for the kind of mother I am to him. I have wanted a baby my whole life, and now that I have one, I am fucking it all up. I called my mom tonight and told her how shitty I am at this. She said “I don’t know one mother who doesn’t feel guilty about something.” That’s probably true, but it didn’t make me feel better.

I don’t mean to ‘should’ all over myself, but really, I should be able to take my kid to the park or my own backyard. In my head though, there is always someone waiting there for some unsuspecting idiot (me) to have her guard down and then he will use that opportunity to take my kid or hurt me or hurt us or whatever. So I always chicken out of going outside without another adult present.

In my life so far, I have learned that when other adults are not present, people use my body against my will. This happened with my babysitter when I was less than five. This happened with my brother when I was eight. And it happened with my dad when I was 15. Now I’m scared of being alone and not having another adult present who is on my side. Now that I have seen evil, I know for sure it exists. And I have no compulsion to see it again.

Not being able to take my kid outside on beautiful days. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #86: The Weather Outside is Frightful
May 11, 2009, 12:24 pm
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Summer is coming. The spring months are here, and that brings with it beautiful sunny days. I would really love to take my sweet beautiful son outside to play. I don’t really go outside a lot. I want to, but I generally talk myself out of it within a few seconds.

When I am home with my son, who is less than 2 years old, I think to myself “I should take him outside to play.” I think about how we could go out there and he would inspect the grass, and I would watch him. But what if someone is able to sneak into my house while my back is turned? Or if someone steals me or my kid, or rapes me or my kid? No, no, safer to stay inside.

See how quick that worked? When the huz is home, we go outside with the baby together, and truly, it’s some of my happiest times. When I am alone with the baby though, my fear gets the best of me. When people try to talk sense into me, like by saying that my fear is irrational or not based in reality, they are a little bit right. I mean, statistically speaking, there’s more of a chance of nothing happening than something happening. But what the fuck do statistics mean when three separate people fucked with me when I was a child? What do statistics mean when you’ve been on intimate terms with evil?

Not being able to take my son outside to play on beautiful days. That would be reason #86 why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #55: Pathetic
March 10, 2009, 4:22 pm
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I was home all day yesterday. Didn’t leave the house at all. I spent some of the day locked in my room, because I was afraid. I went up there to get something, thought I heard a noise elsewhere in the house, and ended up spending an hour locked in my room. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

A few years ago, I used to get home before my mom and girlfriend. All three of us were living together. I guess my work hours ended earlier in the day than their work hours did. I would get home, experience panic about going inside my home because I was terrified that some lurking evil would be in there waiting for me, and decide not to go into my home. Instead, I would sit inside my hot car until either my mom or girlfriend got home. Many times I waited for up to two hours. In a hot car. Yeah. That’s not humiliating.

When my girlfriend or mom would get home, I would pretend that I had just gotten home too. Then I would get out of my car, and whoever had gotten home would say “You’re just getting home now too?” And I would inevitably nod my head and lie and say “Yes.”

I lied because the whole thing was and is humiliating. It’s pathetic and weird to lock myself in my room out of fear of imaginary things. And just as pathetic and weird to lock myself out of my house for the same reasons. But I know, and you, dear reader, know that this shit wasn’t always imaginary. I mean, someone, three someones, proved to me that there’s scary shit in and out of my home.

So I locked myself in my room yesterday. When the huz got home, he said “How was your day?” And I took a second to debate whether I should be honest or not. I wasn’t sure what to do. Do I admit my patheticness or do I just say “fine”? I thought about that Muriel Rukeyser quote that says “If one woman told the truth about her life, the whole world would split open.”

I looked at him and said “I locked myself in the room because I was afraid”. And I was immediately embarrassed and ashamed, and my world did split open. My sweet husband looked at me and said “Baby, you poor thing. That must have sucked!!”

It did suck, and the huz is a sweetheart for not making me feel like shit about it. I said “It’s embarrassing and humiliating to admit it.” He said “Baby, don’t be embarrassed. You were afraid.”

My husband once said “Fear is a learned thing. Children are taught to fear through things that happen to them. They wouldn’t be naturally afraid but for people teaching them to be afraid.”

People taught me to be afraid. And now I am afraid.

Reason #30: Agoraphobia
December 17, 2008, 2:35 pm
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I am afraid to leave my house.

I once read that people who are afraid to leave their homes don’t start out that way. They start out with other kinds of fear, like for instance my fear of the dark and of being alone. Or of driving. So then they are afraid to leave their neighborhood. Then their house. Then their room. They end up holed up in their room, afraid of “out there”.

That is me, now. I am having a bad day. The anxiety has been building for a while now. I imagine this is the time when I should be seeking help. Another fucking therapist.

Now that I know that bad things happen to people, evil things, I am afraid to go outside and face the world. A world that has evil in it. Evil people that fuck children. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

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