Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #62: Business Trips

It looks like my husband has to take a business trip for about a week at some point in the near future. As always, when presented with the probability of being alone, I immediately begin strategizing. Who can I get to be with me during that time so that I don’t have to be alone? I even have a prayer about it where I liken the time spent to jail time. I ask G-d to make the time spent “easy time”, not “hard time”.

“Hard time” is spent in a constant panic, listening for every noise, counting the minutes till the huz gets back, constantly convincing myself that I am okay. It is my own personal hell.

I asked the usual suspects if they could come stay with me (i.e., mom and best friend), but both have to work. In this economy, it would really be a shitty thing to do for me to ask someone to take off of work just to come babysit me, a 35 year old woman.

I cried myself to sleep last night because I realized I was in my own personal jail. The more I thought about it, I likened myself to the time traveler in that book by Audrey Niffenegger — “The Time Traveler’s Wife“. It’s an excellent book by the way, if you need something to read. Anyway, in the book, the time traveler guy travels through time without warning or choice. He can’t help it, it’s just something his body does. He has no choice about where or when he goes either. He eventually lands in a structure that he never wanted to be in but always feared he would be. And that is me. I worry all the time about landing here, and sure enough, here I am.

This morning I was talking/crying about it with my husband, and I said “It’s humiliating. This whole thing is humiliating, being so afraid of being alone, needing people to basically babysit me while you are away.” The huz was kind about it, as he always is. He said “Baby, I wish you would stop thinking about it that way. This is a result of things that happened to you. Would you tell a guy coming back from the war in Iraq that his Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is humiliating? Of course not. He has PTSD as a result of what he went through, and you have PTSD as a result of what you went through. It’s not your fault, it’s not anything you did, it’s just what is.”

My husband is a sweet wonderful man. But he is going away on a business trip. And I will be alone and scared and doing hard time. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. We become adults who are terrified of being alone. A simple business trip becomes a matter of panic of epic proportions.

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