Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #211: Ricki Lake, Food, and Fat

This morning on Good Morning America, Ricki Lake disclosed that she was molested when she was six years old, and she began gaining weight soon thereafter. She has had a life-long struggle with obesity, and she credits it to her history of being sexually abused. She said she still struggles with food issues.

I have said this before, but I’ll say it again. I didn’t have an eating problem until my brother started his shit with me; I didn’t want the body that I was in, the one I was getting molested in. I didn’t have bulimia till my dad started his shit with me. Eating was the very last thing I could fucking control. I had no control over what they were doing to my body, but I sure could control what I put into it. Throwing it up was a release, a statement, a symbol. ‘I will not hold this in, I will not keep what you are doing to me, I throw it back out at you.’  I have not gotten through one year where I haven’t thrown up on my father’s birthday.

In one of our alone sessions, the marital therapist said that survivors of sexual abuse tend to change their bodies to be the opposite of what it was when we were getting molested. So if we were thin when we were getting raped, we try to be fat. If we were fat, we try to be thin. I was thin when my brother started molesting me, and I gained weight. I was already fat when my dad started with me, and I became bulimic.

Things are weird with my mom right now. Every conversation is tense. Our together session with the therapist is in a few weeks. My eating is completely out of control now. My old therapist once said “Food is mother.  When we are babies, food literally is mother.  Our source of food is our mothers, her breasts provide our nourishment.  Then as we grow up, we continually try to mother ourselves with food.”

Now that Mom and I are fucked up, I am mothering myself like crazy with food.  Eating until I feel numb.  I said to my husband the other day “I need to eat some more.”  He said, “Are you okay?”  I said, “No, I can still feel.”  I suppose this is what happens to alcoholics and drug addicts; these continual attempts at numbness because we can’t erase the pain of what has happened to us.  The pain of what is happening to us now that reminds us of the pain that happened to us then.

I keep hoping that someday I will heal from this, that I will stop using food as a means of anesthesia and instead use it as a means of sustenance.  I know there are people out there who eat because they are hungry, and stop because they are full.  Their relationships with food are so healthy. 

An unhealthy relationship with food.  That’s what resulted from my molestation, and that’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #198: The Nutritionist

I have begun seeing a nutritionist. During my first appointment, she asked me why I was there. I said “I am fat, and I don’t want to be.” (I tend to be blunt.)

I described my eating patterns to her. Her response? “You have a full blown eating disorder.”

A lot of survivors seem to struggle with weight issues and disordered eating. The research literature is full of studies showing a link between bulimia and child sex abuse, and anorexia and child sex abuse, and compulsive eating and child sex abuse.  In this way, I guess I am yet another statistic.

I wonder – if that babysitter hadn’t used my body as a weapon, and my brother hadn’t used me like I was nothing, and my father hadn’t betrayed me – I wonder if I would only be eating for hunger reasons, the way I see a lot of thin people doing? I mean, I wonder if my relationship with food, and also my relationship with my body would be different? I can’t help but think that it would be.

I know for sure that I use my fat as a method of insulation. I know that most men find me less attractive when I have fat on my body, and that they find me more attractive when I have less fat on my body.  Fat is protection, and that protection is more than I had in childhood. 

I suppose that the hard truth is probably that no matter what I would have weighed, that babysitter would have molested me anyway.  And probably my brother would have too.  I guess my dad would have as well.  Somewhere in my head, I understand that logic dictates that none of the sex abuse was actually about my real body, in that these people in my life would have used me anyway, no matter what my actual body looked like.  None of it was about attraction to my actual body, except their attraction to an easy victim, which I was.

But somehow in my distorted way of thinking, I feel like if I insulate my body with layers of fat, then perhaps I can ward off the kind of evil I have already experienced.  It’s disordered thinking which lead me to a lifetime of disordered eating, and I am sure it plays a heavy part in my constant dieting failures.  That is the 198th way that surviving child sexual abuse has fucked me up.

Reason #4: Addiction
September 6, 2008, 8:05 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

The addiction and child sex abuse link is supported by oodles of research. But hey, if you don’t believe me, ask a survivor. Most of us are at the local bar, or high, or frankly, if you are like me, fat. I can’t stop fucking eating.

A therapist once said to me “Food is mother. Literally, when you are born, food is mother (i.e., breastmilk).” After the breastfeeding, food is still mother, in terms of nurturing. That’s the thing with surviving abuse, we spend the rest of our lives trying to mother ourselves with food.

We eat so much until we are in a food coma, till we can’t think about the disgusting shit you did to us. Then, we can’t take it, and everything we have stuffed down all these years – we throw it all up. We spend all this time swallowing everything down, keeping this great big secret inside of us, and then we throw it all up.

This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. We form addictions, whether it be binge-eating disorder, bulimia, or whatever addiction is most suited to your personality.

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