Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #292: Who’s Gonna Love You Now?

I was watching Glee tonight, and in this episode Coach Bieste made the wonderful decision to leave her abusive husband. In classic abuser fashion, he said “Who’s gonna love you now?”.  After a slight pause, she reflected on his question, and said “ME.”

The whole thing made me think about my situation. One of the questions I have always wrestled with is feeling like damaged goods. Now that I am getting divorced, I have asked many times “Who would ever want me?” I think it’s a natural question to ask in a divorce situation, and also a natural thing to ponder when you have survived child sexual abuse and incest.

It would be really cool if I learned to love myself.

Reason #208: Resentment, Part II
December 21, 2010, 2:14 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , ,

In my last post, I talked about finding out that my mom resents me for “making her feel guilty” about the fact that I was sexually abused.

I couldn’t take being so angry anymore, so I wrote her an e-mail saying that when I last saw her in person, she said something that upset me, and could we please set aside a time to talk on the phone about it.  She called me a few minutes after receiving the e-mail, but since she was at work, I didn’t feel comfortable talking to her about it then.  We set a time to talk about it tonight after she got home from work.

She asked me what she had said that upset me.  I told her it was about her resentment list, and how she told me that I was on it because I made her feel guilty about the sex abuse.

She said “Sweetie,  I’m so sorry I hurt your feelings.”

I said “But what do I say that makes you feel guilty?  Why do you resent me?”

She said, “Honey, resentment for me is really just a mask for my own guilt.  I hate myself for what happened, and I know I can’t take the pain away for you, and it hurts me terribly, and I know that if I am in pain about it, your pain is 10 times worse.  I carry tremendous guilt over it, and I will for the rest of my life.  You didn’t do anything, and I am so sorry I hurt your feelings with this.”

I am not sure if she was saying that because she knew it would make me feel better, or if she really felt that way, but honestly, tonight I don’t care.  I am grateful she either feels that way or grateful she is smart enough to say what I need to hear.  I accept her apology, mostly because I need to in order to get what little sleep I do get.  I need to have a mom, and thus, I need to accept my mom – warts and all. 

I am worried that the survivors who read this will think I am copping out by forgiving her.  You’re right – maybe I am.  This is where I am in my healing journey, and honestly, it’s probably why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  If one parent fucks us, we hold onto the ‘good’ parent for dear life.

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