Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #36: The Morning
January 6, 2009, 1:30 pm
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On the weekends, the huz and I take turns getting up with the baby. On Saturdays he gets up. On Sundays I get up. During the week, I get up with the baby, get him dressed, feed him, etc.

The baby generally wakes around 6AM. It’s still dark out at 6AM. The huz doesn’t like to get up with the baby because the thing he fears most in this world is shit. Literally, shit. He is afraid the baby will shit and he will have to change a diaper with shit in it. Shit doesn’t bother me for the most part, thank goodness. (That’s marriage, being strong where the other is weak, and vice-versa if you’re lucky.)

Anyway, getting up with the baby is difficult for me because at 6AM it is still dark out. I am afraid of the dark – that was actually the very first reason I brought up for why you shouldn’t fuck kids. So here’s how my morning with the baby goes. Baby wakes up, I look at the clock. 6AM. Fuck. That means it is still dark out.

Take the baby downstairs. All the lights are out. Start breathing funny, while talking to self “It’s okay. Everything’s okay.” Turn on all possible lights. Check the locks again, even though I did so last night before going to bed. Wait, wait, is that a sound I hear? Everything be quiet right now – let me listen. Listen for a few seconds. Everything is still and quiet. I am terrified.

Turn on Sesame Street, change baby’s diaper. Furtively look around. Is someone trying to break in? What time is it? 6:15AM. About 45 mins till some light starts to appear in the sky. Make baby some breakfast, which means going into the kitchen. Through the kitchen is a window in the other room that has a broken venetian blind slat thing that I can see the darkness outside. Can they see me too? Horrible. I am terrified. What time is it? 6:20AM. Okay, only 40 mins till light.

And that is how my morning goes until the sun comes up. I am missing out on this precious time with my sweet beautiful son, and my son is missing one ‘whole’ mama till the huz gets up. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.



Reason #15: We can’t see the forest for the trees
October 9, 2008, 11:42 am
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Last night, I was telling my mom that I am terrified that someone should abuse my son the way the perpetrators in my life have hurt me. I told her that most nights I lay there awake, thinking about terrible scenarios where my son gets hurt and I am unable to protect him. I started to cry when I told my mom that part.

The thing is, sexual abuse happened to me when I was a child, and I am dealing with that. But please, G-d, not him. Please G-d, not my son, please, don’t let that happen to him. I don’t want him to be 35 years old and dealing with all this horrible shit to the point where he feels compelled to write a fucking blog of reasons why people shouldn’t fuck kids.

My mom said “You’ve dreamed of being married and having a child for so long. Now you have all these wonderful beautiful things, and still all you can think of are horrible things.” Then she said something so poignant that it became Reason 15. She said “You live in the light and yet all you can see is the darkness.”

This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. Even when nice things happen to us, we can’t see the forest for the trees.



Reason # 1: We Become Afraid of the Dark
September 6, 2008, 8:02 pm
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I have been afraid of the dark for as long as I can remember. I have no memory before that babysitter molested my brother and I, but I remember being afraid of the dark right after that, and for the rest of my life. We all thought it would get better as I grew up. Instead, I am a 35 year old woman who sleeps with a light on. Not just a fucking nightlight, I might add. I am talking the kind of light you could read a book with.

Apparently, as legend has it, my brother and I started sleeping in the bed with my mother at night after that babysitter came into our lives. Babysitter, I don’t know who you are, but look what you have done to us. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids, we become afraid of the dark for the rest of our lives.

My husband – he’ll walk right outside into the night, like it’s nothing. It shocks the fuck out of me every time.




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