Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Not a Reason – But a Topic we need to discuss re: Transgender issues
February 16, 2012, 5:43 pm
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*** Please note – this discussion will be triggering to the trans community and supporters of the trans community. ***

So, we need to talk.  A few weeks ago, my blog generated some discussion about the fact that I am “cissexist”.  I didn’t even know what the word meant, but here’s my understanding of it: Cisgender means ‘anyone who is not transgendered’.  So, when people call me cissexist, they probably mean that I am not giving trans people the rights and respects that they are entitled to.

I agree.  Calling my husband “he/she” or “huz/wife” can certainly be seen as offensive, and I am not trying to offend the trans community or supporters of the trans community.  Here is the situation: While I was married to my husband, she viewed herself as a he.  So he thought he was a he for the entirety of our dating and married life (9 years).  Literally, I married a ‘he’ and was married to a man who thought he was a man.  However, just as literally, it turns out I was married to a ‘she’ in a ‘he’ body.  Now, since he identified as ‘he’ during our marriage, when I refer to him in the past tense, I will continue to refer to him as he.  That was what he thought he was, that was what I was married to, and that is what she calls herself in the past tense.  Anything other than that makes me start to think I am crazy and that I imagined my whole marriage to a man.  It is something I am still working on with both my husband and my therapist, both of whom assure me I was married to a man while we were married.

We are still living together, and truly, he is my best friend. Currently, he is still presenting as ‘he’ for 95% of the time, so I am still referring to him as he in the present tense.  This is what we have agreed to call him while he presents in male mode.  However, in order to keep it straight with my readers, I call him ‘he/she’ so that they understand that his orientation as transgendered has not changed, he is still a she inside.  Now, unfortunately, the term ‘he/she’ is offensive because in this case he is actually a ‘she’, not half of one and half of the other, especially since he does not identify as gender-queer.  For purposes of this blog though, I am not sure how to refer to him without using the pronouns ‘he/she’ without confusing my readers any further.  Trans community and supporters, I need your help.

I need for my non-regular readers to know that I was married to a man.  I also need for them to know he feels like a woman on the inside, looks like a man on the outside the vast majority of the time, and is working on looking like a woman on the outside the vast majority of the time.  This involves a lot of mixed pronouns and he/she type language.  How can I proceed with offending the least amount of people possible?  What language do you suggest I use?

May I also suggest the following, with all due respect to the trans community?  I understand that this is an upsetting issue.  But just like the word ‘fuck’, we can choose to get upset about the terminology, or we can take back the words and own them.  We can choose to get upset that I use the word fuck a lot, or we can choose to get upset that people fuck kids.  In the same vein, we can choose to get upset that I use the words he/she (with no disrespect intended), or we can choose to get upset at people who force us into a binary system of he/she in the first place and don’t want to pass GENDA laws or accept the presence of a third gender (transgenders).  Do you see what I mean?

My ex husband/wife is not upset at my usage of mixed pronouns.  She has her own blog now, which I would give you a link to, but she has her picture up there and I am trying to remain anonymous in my blog.  She feels that we have real issues to get upset about in society, and political correctness is not a hot button issue for her.  As a survivor of incest and child sexual abuse, I feel a little differently.  I would not want someone making light of my pain by using offensive language like ‘fondling’.  However, if a fellow survivor or well-wisher used it with no offense intended, I would be okay with it.  Does this make sense?

Anyway, if the trans community and supporters can think of a way for me to refer to the huz/wife when I reference our our unique situation, then I welcome suggestions and dialogue around this issue.

Reason #68: Dancing With The Stars
April 2, 2009, 9:10 pm
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Sometimes I think this blog more closely resembles my tv watching habits, rather than a litany of reasons that my life has been fucked up by my history of child sexual abuse. Stay with me anyway on this one, I’ll show you where I’m going.

So, I was watching Dancing with the Stars the other day. Do any of you watch that show too? The huz won’t watch that one with me, although he loves many other reality shows like American Idol and Survivor.

Anyway, I was watching the show, and one of the male “stars” had a difficult time performing a dance move because it involved him almost falling on his head. He had a serious phobia of falling on his head because one time when he was playing basketball, he fell on his head and this experience scared the shit out of him. His partner finally had to change the dance routine because he was so afraid of this particular move. When the host of the show needled him about it, he said “What is wrong with being afraid of falling on your head?”

I thought about his reaction to the host’s jokes. He didn’t feel like he had to defend his fear. No, instead he pretty much attacked the host for being stupid about not being afraid of falling on his head.

I wish all of us trauma survivors acted this way when we felt embarassed about the shit that we do as a result of surviving our abuse. I mean, like how this whole week I have been embarrassed about being afraid to be alone while the huz goes on a business trip. When I was a child, people did things to my body. Against my will, if I was allowed to have a will, which for the most part I wasn’t. But instead of owning my fear and being like that Dancing with the Stars guy and saying “What exactly is wrong with being afraid of being in the same situation I was in with three different people when I was a child and they were abusing me?”, I said “This whole thing is humiliating. My reaction to this situation is humiliating.”

The difference is that everyone understands when he says he was playing basketball and he fell on his head and now he is afraid of falling on his head. If I said “A babysitter fucked my brother and I, and then my brother molested me, and then my father molested me, and now I am afraid to be alone”, everyone would stare at me the same way they do when I say the word “fuck” in mixed company.

Of course, I wouldn’t be afraid to be alone in the first place and subsequently humiliated by my fear of being alone had these people in my life not molested me, and this is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. I shouldn’t need some Dancing with the Stars guy to inadvertantly validate my fears and phobias. I shouldn’t have these fears and phobias in the first place. I should just be able to watch a nice show with some beautiful dancing in it, and think that’s all there is to know while watching tv.

Reason #59: Gasping at the F word
March 21, 2009, 2:54 pm
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As my regular readers know, we have just fired our marital therapist (not for lack of need, but for her own lack of sense). Anyway, I still need to see a shrink for my own panic shit, and we still need to see a marital counselor. We can’t afford to see a shrink for me and a counselor for us though.

I was thinking about how that conversation with the insurance company would go:

Insurance Agent: I see here that you have two different therapists helping you.
Butterfly: (nodding head) Yes, that’s right.
Insurance Agent: Why do you have two different therapists?
Butterfly: Well, you see, one is for me, and one is for my husband and I to see together.
Insurance Agent: You can’t have two therapists. Insurance companies don’t pay for two therapists.
Butterfly: Well now that’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids. We need two therapists to help us survive.

Then there would be a gasp on the insurance company’s end because I said the word “fuck”. I mean, what is it with that word? It’s okay to say it at home, but out in public we all pretend we don’t use that word. And people go out and pretend they are good decent people, and then they go home and fuck kids. I figure as long as people are fucking kids, I am going to go ahead and use those words to describe it. It’s not a pretty word to hear, and it’s even less pretty to live through it.

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