Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #292: Who’s Gonna Love You Now?

I was watching Glee tonight, and in this episode Coach Bieste made the wonderful decision to leave her abusive husband. In classic abuser fashion, he said “Who’s gonna love you now?”.  After a slight pause, she reflected on his question, and said “ME.”

The whole thing made me think about my situation. One of the questions I have always wrestled with is feeling like damaged goods. Now that I am getting divorced, I have asked many times “Who would ever want me?” I think it’s a natural question to ask in a divorce situation, and also a natural thing to ponder when you have survived child sexual abuse and incest.

It would be really cool if I learned to love myself.

Reason #261: I lost him anyway
October 24, 2011, 5:31 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

I was watching a re-run of Glee the other day.  In that episode, a character with severe obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) went to see a therapist for the first time in her life.  The therapist said “You have obsessive-compulsive disorder. Therapy can help you.”

The OCD character replied “I’m not sure I want to lay on a couch and tell some stranger my secrets. And I don’t want to start popping pills just so I can turn into someone that other people want me to be.  This is how I am. This is who I’m supposed to be.”

The therapist said “Your illness is not who you are supposed to be.  It’s keeping you from who you’re supposed to be.”

I wonder who I am supposed to be, or who I was supposed to be.  I have spent time in my life grieving the Butterfly I might have been had I not suffered the abuse.  I spent a great deal of time thinking about who I might have become if I weren’t afraid of every fucking thing there is to be afraid of.  If I could be okay at night, who knows what my potential was???

When I started dating my husband/wife, I started to exhibit incredible OCD behaviors.  I would only walk into rooms with my right foot.  This later expanded into stepping onto different surfaces with only my right foot.  Then I began only reaching for things with my right arm.  Only taking things with my right hand.  Opening doors with my right hand.  Stepping into and out of my home with my right foot.  Et cetera.

My thought process through all of this was that he was the only good thing that has ever happened in my life, and I didn’t want to do anything that might jinx it.  I felt that if I could perform these obsessive-compulsive actions, I could ward off evil, and then maybe he would stay in my life.  If I did these OCD things, I wouldn’t lose the only good thing in my life.  I kept trying to ward off evil, and I knew exactly what kind of evil I was warding off, having already experienced it with three different abusers.

I did all these things for these last nine years and I lost him anyway.

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