Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #296: Oprah’s interview of four child molesters

I have had this episode of Oprah on my DVR for months now, and I was finally feeling ‘safe’ enough to watch it.  In this episode, she had a candid conversation with four convicted child molesters, all of whom had been in therapy for years after their conviction.

Child Molester 1: 65 year old pedophile who was convicted for molesting a 5 year old girl who was not his biological grandchild, but called him ‘Grandpa’.

Child Molester 2: Man in his early 40’s, convicted of molesting his 12 year old daughter.

Child Molester 3: Man in his 20’s, convicted of molesting his cousin who was 3 years younger than him.  Started molesting her when he was 8 and she was 5.

Child Molester 4: Man in his 20’s, convicted of raping teenagers.

All acknowledged that they still had the capacity to be harmful to children except for #4, which I thought was hilarious because of them all, he seemed like the most likely to rape a child again.  So he was obviously also in the most denial. 

Anyway, so Oprah was interviewing them, and they were all answering candidly.  They all said that trust from their victims was essential, and that they worked very hard to gain their victims’ trust to make sure that they could then go on to molest these kids.  They said that even when their victims told on them, the molesters told lies to the parents so that the molesters would be believed and the victims would be called liars.

Almost towards the end of the interview, she asked them all if there was anything that any of the victims could have done to stop the molestation at any point.  They all acknowledged, after prodding from their therapist, that there was nothing that their victims could have done at any point to stop the molestations from occurring.  Except for the father who molested his daughter.  He said this: “She did stop me. She did the absolute right thing by turning me in to the police.  She has every right to protect herself.”

This father understood that he was doing something very wrong when he was molesting her, and in his own words he formed ‘an obsession’ with her.  I have read about these kinds of incesters before, and it is a specific sub-type of incest, where they form an obsession with their own daughter.  My dad’s type of incest was different, in that he only started wanting me when my mom rejected him for a few years (sleeping in separate bedrooms for years, etc.).  Please don’t mistake me – this is not and was not my mom’s fault.  A normal father does not start wanting his daughter if his wife isn’t putting out.  It wasn’t my mom’s fault that he molested me.  It was, however, her fault for not being physically or emotionally present for me, which created an atmosphere that allowed my father to molest me.  But it was not her fault that he molested me – that is his fault. 

Anyway, after that father said that bit about his daughter having every right to protect herself – I thought to myself about his daughter’s healing trajectory.  Hopefully she heals from her abuse with the knowledge that even her own perpetrator felt she did the right thing by turning him in. As someone who did ask the court for protection against her dad, I know first-hand how traumatic the whole thing can be. 

As you know, my Dad and I are forming our own healing trajectory that is somewhat tentative and shaky.  He has apologized for being an overall shitty dad, and has since made many attempts at amends. He has made reparations and apologies, and most importantly, acts totally different around me now than he used to.  He is supportive and respects my current boundaries, for the most part. However, even with all that, our relationship is as good as it can ever be – and what that means for me is only seeing him in the presence of others, and never EVER leaving my son alone with him under any circumstances.

That is what healing looks like under the best of circumstances.  It means being together with one of my perpetrators only in the presence of others. It means never fully trusting my father even though he has apologized and acts differently towards me as an adult than he did when I was an adolescent.  It means never being able to hug my dad without worrying that he has sinister intentions.  It means always being on guard with my father. It means watching other people and their dads, and never understanding the kind of closeness they seem to have.

This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #167: This is my car

I told the marital therapist (in an alone session) that I started being so afraid all the time after that babysitter molested me.  I was five years old (or less?) when she molested me, and after that all I could see were possibilities of hurt.  Behind every corner or door, under every bed, in every closet, and most especially every night – my world was suddenly filled with the knowledge that people will gain my trust for the specific reason of using it against me. 

After that time where the babysitter used my brother and I for her sexual gain, my world was suddenly filled with betrayal.  Worse, it was filled with the possibility of betrayal, and it is this very possibility that sits within me at all times.  Since I am seeing a marital therapist, the way that we explored it was how my panic seems to happen when the huz and I are intimate.  Many many times the huz and I have been kissing or making out, and I suddenly see my brother’s face.  And then I try and will myself back to the present, by telling myself I am an adult.  But it’s not working.  Then I see my brother and I on the couch, his head between my legs, me pretending to be the wall so I don’t have to be present.  And the huz is still kissing me, and I can’t speak, and I am afraid.  Then finally he realizes what is happening and stops kissing.

“And then there we are, no longer kissing, and I have yet again fucked it up for us” I said to her.  She said “You didn’t fuck it up.  The trauma of sexual abuse fucked it up.  If someone got into a car accident and were afraid of getting into a car again, would you think they fucked it up?  No, of course not.  You’d think they were afraid of getting into a car because they had been traumatized in a car the last time they had been in one.  This is your car, that’s all.  And you’ll get back in eventually.”

I hope she is right.  It makes me feel better that at least she believes in my ability to heal from this stuff. I want to kiss my husband.  I want to make love to my husband.  I want the power to say yes and no, the way I didn’t have power with that babysitter, my brother, or my father. 

I can’t fuck my husband, or even kiss my husband without my shit getting triggered.   That is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #76: We Are Here
April 16, 2009, 12:14 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , ,

My friend OnionGirl has posted a beautiful entry about all of us survivors standing together. This is my favorite part of the entry: “Together we are unstoppable. We are a wave of force that could tear the earth apart and instead we choose to build it back up, taking all the hate and anger that we feel and turning it into green things growing.” She is asking for all of us who are survivors to respond to her entry. I am asking on behalf of her. Please go to her blog and post your response. Let us stand together.

The whole entry made me think though – look how much time each of us devotes to healing. It’s a lifelong thing. They fuck us, and we spend the rest of our lives trying to negotiate such rough waters. We are here. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

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