Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #319: What PTSD Looks Like

Yesterday I came home from work and I was already hypervigilant because I knew I was coming home to an empty house.  My ex wasn’t home yet, and my son was still at school, so I was scared.  But I tried to remain calm.

I walked in the house and closed the door. I heard a noise behind me. I let out a blood-curdling scream. He’s here, I thought. He’s here and he’s going to hurt me.

It turns out that the noise was the sound of my dog yawning.

After I realized the source of the sound and calmed down, I looked out the window.  Did the neighbors just hear me scream like that? They already think we are nuts, this will just confirm it for them, I thought.

This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. We acquire post-traumatic stress disorder as a means of surviving such an aberrant set of actions in our childhood. But it makes us scream when our dogs yawn.

Reason #102: Listening to music
June 17, 2009, 12:45 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

Today the huz was home from work, so I wasn’t home alone for once. I cleaned a little bit and cooked a little bit, all the while listening to a CD of one of my favorite musicians. It was wonderful. As I sang along to one of the songs, I tried to think about the last time I had put on a CD when cooking or cleaning, or when doing anything. I couldn’t remember the last time.

I thought about it. I don’t like extraneous noise when I am home alone, because then I can’t hear if intruders are breaking into my home. G-d forbid.

I was trained at an Arts High School for singing, and I have been in choirs my whole life. Singing and music is one of the few things I am sure I am good at, but I can’t listen to music if I don’t feel safe, and I don’t feel safe if I am home alone.

Not being able to listen to music when I am home alone. That is the 102nd reason you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #73: It’s like a war

My husband is home from his business trip. Thankfully, it was the easiest possible of hard time that I had to do, with the circumstances I was in. My sister-in-law agreed to stay overnights, and I paid someone to stay with me babysit my son for some of the other time.

I cried every day, especially in the mornings. I thought to myself on one such morning how being a parent means waiting till you are in the car alone to cry so that your kid doesn’t see that mommy isn’t okay.

Tonight, my husband and I were talking about the fact that we were both coming down off of a stressful week. I said “I really can’t even compare my stress level today to what it was every day previous. I mean, it would be like comparing how I would be in a war to how I would be well – now.”

This week was not nearly as bad as it could have been. I could have had the worst – being alone over night. For me, that is the worst. I didn’t have that. Yet I was still constantly hypervigilant each second. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t breathe easy. Every moment I was “on”. And now even though I am no longer in that situation, I am still fucked up and having a hard time coming down. Gee, what situation does that sound like? To me, it sounds just like the situation of being sexually used when I was a child and now I am an adult, and yet I am still fucked up. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. It’s like a war, and even when the war is over, we’re never right again.

I have to say though, through all of this, I really feel like G-d provided for me here. I try not to get too spiritual in this blog, although sometimes I can’t help it, but honestly – I begged G-d to let me do easy time instead of hard time. I feel like G-d said yes this time. I am grateful. It was a war, but I lived through it and I came through it only partially scathed this time, unlike the original war that was going on when I was surviving the child sexual abuse and I came out totally fucked up.

Everything comes back to that for me. It’s like I can’t say that it’s okay for me to have come out okay this time, because I know I didn’t come out okay the first time, and I am terrified that there will be another time when I also won’t come out okay, when I also will be powerless to idiots who say it’s okay to fuck kids. I pray this never happens again. Not to me, not to you, and not to any other children anymore. Please G-d, no more.

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