Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #92: Always looking over my shoulder
May 24, 2009, 10:54 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

Tonight I was sitting on the deck with my husband and baby. My husband said “I love the way the sun is shining on the those leaves over there.” He was pointing to some leaves way up high on the tree.

I have always loved trees, and have always had great respect for them. But I guess the truth is, I never noticed the light shining on them until my husband pointed it out to me. I never looked at them like that. I was always too busy looking over my shoulder for who might be sneaking up on me, and concentrating on the way the light shines on the trees would be taking my attention away from the person sneaking up on me.

The truth is, if I were alone in our backyard today, I would still be looking over my shoulder. The only reason I got to see the way the light was shining on the trees was because my husband was there with me. Safety in numbers.

Not being able to see the light shining way up high on the tree. That is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #63: Still we cry
March 28, 2009, 1:33 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , ,

Last night, I was again crying in bed because my husband has to take this business trip, and I can’t handle it. I keep trying to think up solutions to me not having to be alone all week, but so far every avenue has failed. I have now asked five people (some friends, some family) to stay with me during that time. I have been humiliated five times by asking, and five times more by hearing my loved ones say no in a kind way.

The thing is, they are all right to say no to this request. They all have lives that have things happening during that particular week, and thus they cannot take time out from their lives to come babysit mine. It’s not their fault.

As the last no came in yesterday, I found myself absolutely hating myself. I was filled with such self-loathing. Finally, thankfully, the huz and I went up to bed. When the light was turned off and the room was awash in darkness, I was safe to cry and feel all these horrible feelings. It was okay to admit defeat in the darkness, and even more okay to admit my feelings about being defeated my personal demons once again.

The huz heard me crying and pulled me to him. He put his hands on my face, and my tears wet his hand.

And he fell asleep. In the middle of my crying. Now, in his defense, he has been working crazy hours, and has been stressed about the nature of this business trip, and even more stressed about the effect this business trip is having on me. But still I couldn’t help but be angry. Irrationally speaking, this is all his fault with this stupid business trip. This is ‘irrational speak’ because it’s not really his fault, he argued against the business trip and lost, and his company won, and in this economy you can’t go trying to win wars with your job.

So there he was asleep and there I was crying, and I couldn’t help but feel even more humiliated. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. We cry so much our husbands eventually fall asleep to it. We can’t help but cry though, because our sadness is so big it’s like an ocean. Waves of it keep coming even when everyone else is ready for the waves to stop.

Reason #15: We can’t see the forest for the trees
October 9, 2008, 11:42 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

Last night, I was telling my mom that I am terrified that someone should abuse my son the way the perpetrators in my life have hurt me. I told her that most nights I lay there awake, thinking about terrible scenarios where my son gets hurt and I am unable to protect him. I started to cry when I told my mom that part.

The thing is, sexual abuse happened to me when I was a child, and I am dealing with that. But please, G-d, not him. Please G-d, not my son, please, don’t let that happen to him. I don’t want him to be 35 years old and dealing with all this horrible shit to the point where he feels compelled to write a fucking blog of reasons why people shouldn’t fuck kids.

My mom said “You’ve dreamed of being married and having a child for so long. Now you have all these wonderful beautiful things, and still all you can think of are horrible things.” Then she said something so poignant that it became Reason 15. She said “You live in the light and yet all you can see is the darkness.”

This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. Even when nice things happen to us, we can’t see the forest for the trees.

Reason # 1: We Become Afraid of the Dark
September 6, 2008, 8:02 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , ,

I have been afraid of the dark for as long as I can remember. I have no memory before that babysitter molested my brother and I, but I remember being afraid of the dark right after that, and for the rest of my life. We all thought it would get better as I grew up. Instead, I am a 35 year old woman who sleeps with a light on. Not just a fucking nightlight, I might add. I am talking the kind of light you could read a book with.

Apparently, as legend has it, my brother and I started sleeping in the bed with my mother at night after that babysitter came into our lives. Babysitter, I don’t know who you are, but look what you have done to us. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids, we become afraid of the dark for the rest of our lives.

My husband – he’ll walk right outside into the night, like it’s nothing. It shocks the fuck out of me every time.

%d bloggers like this: