Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason # 282: I want to lose weight
February 27, 2012, 9:01 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

I walked into my therapist’s office last week, and said “I want to lose weight, and I want you to help me.”

She said “Okay, let’s work on it.”

I said, “Here’s the thing though.  When I think about losing weight, I think about being in a thin body, and then I feel much more rapeable.  It’s kind of a 1, 2, 3 thought process for me.  First I will lose the weight, then I will be thin, then I can be raped much more easily than I can in this fat body.”

She has tried to argue the logic of this with me before.  She has tried the whole ‘fat women get raped too’ spiel, but that hasn’t convinced me to stop being fat.  She has also tried the whole ‘healthier women can run away from rapists better than fat women’ thing too, and that also has no effect.  I said as much to her in this session.

She once explained to me that when logic and emotion meet in an argument, logic must always defer to emotion’s reasoning.  She said that when you try to attack an emotional argument with logic, you will always lose. The emotional person will always win, because no matter what logic you throw into the argument, the emotional person will always come back with an emotional argument.  That’s why her logic about rape happening to fat people didn’t mean anything to me; my argument for being fat is not logical in the first place, so logic won’t win the argument either.

She said “Why don’t we talk about why you think that if you lose weight it is easier to rape you?”

I said “Well, it’s irrefutable fact.  When I was in a smaller body, three people used my body against my will.  I know for sure that when I am smaller, people use their bodies to hurt mine.”  Then I started to cry, and I said “To be very honest with you, it was only in the last year of our marriage that I stopped being SO afraid that my husband would rape me, and I was able to sleep comfortably next to him at night.”

She looked so startled by this admission, and said she hadn’t realized that. Then she asked me why this admission made me cry.  I said “Because I am ashamed!  Look at us!  He never wanted to even have sex with me, and here I was afraid of rape for 8 of the 9 years we were together.  Even in the last year, I was still afraid of it.”

I am ashamed of my thought process, I guess. I am ashamed of how truly distorted my cognitions are.  H/she was a sweet loving husband, and rape would have been the furthest thing from his mind.  H/she didn’t even want sex!  But we did cuddle and kiss a lot, and I guess I always assumed that his baser instincts were going to kick in, and I’d be surprised by him raping me, and so I felt I had to be hypervigilant in bed against him.

I said “The thing is, whenever I got really afraid in bed with him, I automatically lost the power of speech too.  I wanted to talk, but I couldn’t figure out how to do it.  So I would lay there terrified, staring at him, wanting to speak and unable to.”

She started talking to me in a really soft gentle voice.  She does that whenever I cry, especially about the sex abuse.  She said “You go back to being a little girl who can’t talk.  When these things happen, you forget you are an adult, and you go back to being a little girl.”

She’s right.  I want to lose the weight, I really do. But in my mind, losing the weight makes me vulnerable.  Thinner = smaller body = little girl’s body = more vulnerable to rape.

I walked in to that session saying I want to lose weight.  I left that session and literally drove to McDonald’s. I have been binging ever since.

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