Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #86: The Weather Outside is Frightful
May 11, 2009, 12:24 pm
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Summer is coming. The spring months are here, and that brings with it beautiful sunny days. I would really love to take my sweet beautiful son outside to play. I don’t really go outside a lot. I want to, but I generally talk myself out of it within a few seconds.

When I am home with my son, who is less than 2 years old, I think to myself “I should take him outside to play.” I think about how we could go out there and he would inspect the grass, and I would watch him. But what if someone is able to sneak into my house while my back is turned? Or if someone steals me or my kid, or rapes me or my kid? No, no, safer to stay inside.

See how quick that worked? When the huz is home, we go outside with the baby together, and truly, it’s some of my happiest times. When I am alone with the baby though, my fear gets the best of me. When people try to talk sense into me, like by saying that my fear is irrational or not based in reality, they are a little bit right. I mean, statistically speaking, there’s more of a chance of nothing happening than something happening. But what the fuck do statistics mean when three separate people fucked with me when I was a child? What do statistics mean when you’ve been on intimate terms with evil?

Not being able to take my son outside to play on beautiful days. That would be reason #86 why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #84: The Occupational Therapist

My son gets occupational therapy once a week. Like his father, he doesn’t really talk a whole lot, so he also gets speech therapy once a week. I like his speech therapist a lot. She does a great job with my son.

The occupational therapist, on the other hand, scares the crap out of me. I was staring at her yesterday during my son’s session with her. I watch her very intently with my son. I watch the other therapist too, but with this one, my eyes are glued to her and my son, and I never leave them alone for a second. You could see why I would be afraid of people other than my husband and I taking care of our son.

Anyway, I was staring at her yesterday. She caught me staring at her, and looked back at me. I wasn’t sure how to act at that point, but I kept staring. I don’t trust her.

I asked myself why. Why don’t I trust her. Why don’t I like her. And so I was staring at her, trying to figure it out. I thought about it. Maybe she reminds me of the babysitter? I have no conscious memory of that babysitter, but maybe she reminds me of her? I thought about it some more, and I realized, she is around the same age that the babysitter would be now, since she was about 15 or 16 at the time of the abuse, so she’d be around 45 or 46 now. For all I know, this bitch could be that babysitter. The rational part of me knows that she isn’t, but still as I sat there staring at her, it was all I could think about. I don’t know that babysitter’s name or what she looked like or anything. I just know that some bad shit obviously went down to make me afraid like that for the rest of my life.

Maybe I am afraid of this occupational therapist because of what that babysitter did to me. Or maybe I am leary of her because something about her makes my survivor vibes go on full alert. Either way, I don’t like her. I know what you’re thinking – why don’t you change the OT to someone else? Because I’ve tried and have been unsuccessful and my son needs the services and in reality she hasn’t done anything wrong. What exactly would I tell these people? “I have a bad feeling.” Great, and then they can call the head doctors for me.

You know, if people without histories of child sexual abuse had bad feelings about someone, everyone says “Well maybe something about them makes her have bad feelings about that person”, but when a survivor says it, everyone is like “That’s just because you have been abused and you think everyone is an abuser.” You’re damn right that’s why! I know for sure that shit like that really happens when no one is looking, so you’re right, I think that a lot of people are abusers that you wouldn’t give a second look to.

She looks at my son for a second too long. Finds reasons to touch him, even in front of me. Pats his head, tickles his body. Don’t touch my son, bitch. Everything’s all innocent like that. “What, I was just tickling him.” “What, I was just patting his head.” They all say shit like that, rationalize and justifying their shit, like you can fool us for even a second. Come on. You can fool the non-abused, but us?? You can’t fool us. You’ve already fucked us. We know how it starts. All innocent and pretty, with a tickle and a pat, just like this bitch is doing with my son. Maybe it is innocent, but even that babysitter who fucked my brother and I – she started it with “Do you want to play a game?” And my brother and I were so small, and I bet we thought her game was innocent the way everyone else’s game was innocent with us until her. Until she took our innocence and broke us forever with her fucking games. This is why I stare at my son’s occupational therapist, and why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #15: We can’t see the forest for the trees
October 9, 2008, 11:42 am
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Last night, I was telling my mom that I am terrified that someone should abuse my son the way the perpetrators in my life have hurt me. I told her that most nights I lay there awake, thinking about terrible scenarios where my son gets hurt and I am unable to protect him. I started to cry when I told my mom that part.

The thing is, sexual abuse happened to me when I was a child, and I am dealing with that. But please, G-d, not him. Please G-d, not my son, please, don’t let that happen to him. I don’t want him to be 35 years old and dealing with all this horrible shit to the point where he feels compelled to write a fucking blog of reasons why people shouldn’t fuck kids.

My mom said “You’ve dreamed of being married and having a child for so long. Now you have all these wonderful beautiful things, and still all you can think of are horrible things.” Then she said something so poignant that it became Reason 15. She said “You live in the light and yet all you can see is the darkness.”

This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. Even when nice things happen to us, we can’t see the forest for the trees.

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