Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #277: Scary dream, was it real?

Last night I had another ‘touch me against my will’ dream.  I have spoken before on this blog about my bad dreams.  One of the many reasons you shouldn’t fuck kids – we get bad dreams for the rest of our lives about being touched against our will.

Anyway, back to the dream.  So in the dream, my cousin’s grandfather (who has been dead for at least ten years now) came into my bedroom and put his hands on my breasts.  It was like he was in a trance or something; he was so intent upon touching my breasts.  I remembered that if I could yell NOOOO, then it might stop.  I tried to yell no with all my might, but instead it came out as a small faint breathy nooooo.  I tried again and the same thing happened.  I shifted my body position so that he wouldn’t be able to touch my breasts and that didn’t work either. I mean, I was able to shift my body position, but somehow he was still able to touch my breasts anyway. 

I woke up from the dream and looked around the room expecting to see him there.  G-d damn that was scary.  I asked my sweet doggie to please lay down next to me where only moments before the spector of my cousin’s grandpa had touched me.  My sweet doggie laid down next to me and stayed there the rest of the night.  The rest of the night was spent in fitful moments of sleep after that.  I couldn’t stop thinking about the dream, and I couldn’t get any true rest.  I sure was tired when I woke up this morning.

I am now tasked with making sense of that dream.  Is it about my dad?  He was the only one (to my conscious knowledge) to touch my breasts.  Or am I supposed to understand this dream as the possibility of a 4th abuser in my life?  I don’t think that’s the answer, but shit, I married a man who ended up being a woman.  What the fuck do I know about what’s real or true anymore?

Or was the dream yet another in an endless line of dreams designed to make me reflect on what it felt like to be touched against my will?  In this dream, I was so scared.  I realized how powerless and scared I felt in the dream, how little-girl-like I was, how big he was and how indomitable the whole situation felt.  There wasn’t much I could do to stop what was happening, and even my own voice (which might have been able to save me) failed me.

I am not sure what to make of the dream, but I sure am afraid to go to sleep tonight for fear that he will touch me again in my sleep.  I think I will ask my doggie to sleep next to me from the start of the night, instead of waiting until after the bad dream happens.

Reason #202: Give it to me in nightmares

I once saw this movie where a 5 year old child had suffered through sexual abuse by his daycare provider, and his mother and him were suffering through the after-effects of surviving.  The child was having all the normal effects of surviving abuse: nightmares, bed-wetting, crying jags, phobias, flashbacks, panic attacks, etc.

The mother had not seen any justice in the case, and she said to some therapist “How long will it take for him to get over this?  And don’t give it to me in days, give it to me in nightmares.  Give it to me in sleepless nights, in flashbacks, in panic attacks.  Give it to me in those numbers.  How many nightmares does my child have to suffer through until he is all better again?”

Last night, I had a terrible nightmare about the babysitter.  It was one of those abuse-related nightmares that made me wake up in a panic.  I was scared stiff, literally.  I couldn’t move after I woke up because I was just so afraid.  So I lay there, shaking, under my covers, afraid to even peek out at my room.  It was like I was a little girl all over again, I was so afraid.  You’d never know I was a 37 year old woman.

This morning, the huz asked me how I slept, and I just lost it and began to cry from the memory of the nightmare. 

It’s been 30 years of nightmares and I am still not better yet, not even close to better yet.  That’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #190: Dreams about the babysitter

Last night, I dreamed about the babysitter.  I was absolutely terrified of her.  She was mentally ill, and I was an adult, but I was absolutely terrified.

The weird thing is, the crux of the dream was about my mom.  It seems from the dream that my mom didn’t want to find her, or didn’t want me to know who she was or what she was about.

I woke up from the dream remembering that my husband was going to get up early today to go running, which meant I would be alone and afraid.

SwordDanceWarrior says that dreams are ‘free therapy’, just not as nice as a therapist would be.  Obviously this dream is trying to tell me something, and I am grateful for every new piece of information I have about the babysitter, since I have no conscious memory of her.  I could walk by her on the street and not know it’s her.  I could be living next door to her for all I know, for fuck’s sake.  As a matter of fact, this one time on Oprah, she had a man on there who just so happened to move next door to the guy who molested him when he was a child.  Isn’t that just the most fucked up think you have ever heard??  I mean, you know how hard it is to buy a house, how much shit you have to get through, how time and energy-consuming it is, and how how filled with hope the act of buying a house is – and then you get there, and your molester lives next fucking door???  Horrible.

I hate having bad dreams, but I am grateful for the information.  Part of surviving the abuse with no conscious memory means trying to reconcile myself with the fact that my memory might never return.  It might never feel safe enough to come back, which would mean a lifetime of figuring out why I’m fucked up.  A lifetime of terrifying dreams that are cryptic and have some basis in reality.  That’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #180: Bad dreams and shower problems
June 15, 2010, 12:09 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

We were leaving on vacation, so I made sure to get some cash out.  I asked my mom to hire someone, and she did.  We let this woman, the one my mom hired, into the house.  Fairly soon, this woman pulled a gun out on us and told us to give her all of our cash.

All I could think when I woke up from this latest bad dream was that the person I trusted my mom to hire betrayed us.  This was, of course, yet another bad dream about that babysitter who molested my brother and I.  The babysitter I have no conscious memory of.  The babysitter my mom hired to care for us when she couldn’t be there herself.

I guess I am not going to get over any of this until I examine it from every fucking angle, and since I can’t make heads or tails of it while I am awake, sleep is a safer place to sift through this shit.

Since the dream is what I woke up from this morning, I subsequently couldn’t take my morning shower.  It kinda sucks because I feel smelly now, and will go to work feeling that way, wondering if people can smell me.  The huz always says I smell good, but who knows.  Does anyone else have showering issues due to the sex abuse?  Are there conditions upon your showers, such as not being alone in the house, or only at certain times of the day, etc.?

Shower problems and bad dreams are not new to this blog, and both happened to me this morning.  I like to sleep well, and I like to shower and be clean, just like everyone else.  I have a meeting at work today that I would have liked to smell good for.  The cost of showering this morning would have been the little bit of sanity that I am trying to maintain, so it is a cost I couldn’t afford today.  That is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #170: Scary-Ass Dreams
April 26, 2010, 12:26 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

I have a few things coming up in the next few weeks that are causing me anxiety.  “Normal” anxieties about life in general happen to a lot of people, and that alone would not be a reason you shouldn’t fuck kids.  Everyone gets anxious about shit in their life.

When I get anxious, I have rape dreams. Either I am raped as an adult, or I am raped as a child, or I am watching someone get raped.  For me, the kind of evil that is rape is the scariest thing in the world.  Thus, when I am anxious, I dream about what I consider to be the scariest thing in the world.

Being afraid of rape – this is not necessarily a reason you shouldn’t fuck kids either.  Most sane people are afraid of rape.  It is used as a scare-tactic and control device in times of war – that is how scary it is.  It is evil, it is betrayal, it is the worst of humanity.  So, being afraid of rape is normal.

Fucked kids take this fear and live it to a whole new level.  We know what it is to be betrayed in the worst of ways, and we know for sure that people are willing to betray us in the worst of ways.  This knowledge – this living knowledge – causes us to fear life in general.  Every day holds the possibility of rape, and the nights are even worse.

I have had scary-ass dreams before, as a result of surviving child sex abuse and incest. When I dream about it, even sleep isn’t safe. But I am afraid to get up too, because I already know that life-while-awake isn’t safe either.  That is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  The scary dreams have a very real basis in what has already happened to us, and while most people can wake up and say “it wasn’t real, it was only a dream”, we cannot.

I had another night of rape dreams last night, and now I am afraid to face the day.

Reason #120: Child Rape dreams
August 27, 2009, 12:38 pm
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This morning, I came downstairs with the baby and kissed my husband good morning. He said “Hi Baby, how’d you sleep?” (He’d already been up for a few hours – he likes to exercise in the morning.) I said “Oh, shitty. All night long I kept having the same nightmare about the rape of a child and the rapist.” I looked up at my husband and his face looked absolutely horrified.

What’s funny about this is the fact that for him, the whole experience was beyond belief, whereas for me, this was one of a million such dreams that I have had in my 35 years on this Earth. When I get stressed, this is how I handle it, with terrible dreams of child sexual abuse. One of the many reasons you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #106: Babysitter dream

Last night, I woke up from a dream about the babysitter. In the dream, she and my mother and I were in a fitting room. I was the same age I am now – 35 years old – and I had a swimsuit on. I saw her and I knew she was the babysitter. I felt pure fright to my very core. I said to my mom in a tiny little girl’s voice “Mama, I am afraid of her”. I was so scared I could hardly get the words out.

Then this woman started touching me. Mom didn’t help the situation at all. I screamed in pure fright, over and over and over again. If I had to explain that scream, I would say that it was like I was allowing myself to scream the way I imagine I wanted to scream when this babysitter was actually molesting me when I was a little girl. The scream and the dream would be the reason you shouldn’t fuck kids, of course.

Obviously this dream was scary for me to wake up from, and has been on my mind all day. In the dream, the woman looked 10 years older than me now, which would put her at about 45. In real life, I think she was about 10 years older than me in real life, which put her in her teen years when she molested my brother and I. I find it interesting that my dream happened as if I was meeting her now.

I wish I was meeting her now. I am not sure what I would say or how I would act, but I sure do wish I could meet her now. I wonder if I would regress and become a child inside again, the way so many survivors of child sexual abuse do when meeting their abusers again. Or, I wonder if I would stay in control of my adult faculties, and meet this woman and explain the tremendous impact that she has had on my life.

I spend a lot of my time hating this woman. It would be nice to get past that level of hatred.

Reason #89: Bad Dreams

Everyone has bad dreams, so that alone wouldn’t be a reason not to fuck kids. But do ‘normal’ people have dreams where they are getting sexually abused? I don’t know. All of my relationships, girlfriends, boyfriends, friends, family – all of them who weren’t abused don’t seem to have dreams like this.

To my conscious knowledge, my father has never raped me or had sex with me in any form. He molested me, but penetration was not among the molestation.

Last night, I dreamt that he was raping me on a nightly basis. I told my mom. She responded that I needed to be punished for talking about it. I screamed “What the fuck are you talking about?” and pushed her. She came to her senses and apologized. I said “I am not staying here any longer. We’ve got to get out of here.” She agreed and decided to help me leave/leave with me. While my dad was upstairs doing something, I began packing. I looked for my cell phone charger. I looked over at my mom and she had some boyfriend’s business card out. I realized then that even though she wanted to help me, she was going to look out for her own needs first. Then I woke up.

I think I understand the theme of this dream, as while the rape did not occur in real life, my mom’s response kind of did. When I told her about my brother, she stopped it immediately. When I told her about my father, her response was to “cover myself up around him”, as if what I was wearing would entice my father into molesting me. I am his daughter. I could have been wearing three overcoats and a snowsuit and he still would have wanted me to be his wife. Should it matter what the fuck I am wearing?? What kind of father is attracted to his own daughter?? Even if I was walking around naked, shouldn’t it have been his responsibility to say “There are boundaries in this house, and one of them is that we don’t walk around naked in front of each other. Please go put some clothes on.” I know I’ve said this before, but even if I had said “FUCK ME!” to him, he should have been repulsed by the idea and have said “This is inappropriate. Let’s get you to a therapist.”

After a few months of me trying to evade him, he finally threatened to kill her, and she left him. She only saved me because she needed to save herself. My well-being a byproduct of her failed marriage. I think that’s what my dream was getting at.

Fucked up dreams. That’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #35: Nightmares
December 30, 2008, 4:56 pm
Filed under: night | Tags: , , , ,

I have had nightmares as long as I can remember. Everybody has them. Mine seem to always center around the theme of evil though. Some evil person or people are trying to get me in my nightmares. It doesn’t take a psychic to figure out the source of these dreams; evil was done to me, and now I have bad dreams about it. That’s not really a shocker.

Ever since I got pregnant though, my nightmares center around people trying to be evil with my son. These nightmares are horrible, and after a long night of battling these demons, it is very tough to face the day. Last night was one of those nights where even when I woke up from the nightmare I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and when I fell back asleep, I’d go right back to where I had left off in the dream. Horrible.

This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. We have as much right to peaceful sleep as the next person, but because you fucked us when we were kids, we haven’t slept well since.

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