Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #175: Columbine

My husband has been reading this book about the Columbine massacre, and he was telling me about the two kids involved in the shootings (Eric Harris and Dylan Kliebold). Apparently, Eric Harris was a psychopath who prided himself on his outstanding abilities to deceive people by making them think he wasn’t a complete psychopath when in fact he was. The huz told me that this is fairly common among psychopaths.

This conversation scared me enough that I began to shake violently. The idea of psychopaths is incredibly frightening to those of us who have been on intimate terms with evil. I cannot make heads or tails of psychopaths – but they seem like evil to me.

The huz told me that psychopaths are unable to feel empathy, and that there is the possibility that their brains are wired differently than the rest of ours.  Yet, that trauma conference that I went to last month said that when you traumatize kids, their brains get wired differently too.

Are psychopaths made, or are they born?  Are some people born to do evil, or are they formed to do evil?

These questions bring me, always, to sex offenders.  If someone’s willing to fuck kids, they are obviously without natural empathy.  Some survivors take their experiences and it makes them much better at feeling empathy, since they know what it’s like.  Other survivors take their experiences and victimize others, since they know what it’s like.

After the Columbine discussion with the huz, I found myself still shaking an hour later.  I tried to do some deep-breathing exercises, and some relaxation exercises, but nothing really worked.  I basically shook until I fell asleep for the night.

I’ve been shaking like this for years now.  It’s embarrassing, it’s uncontrollable, and it happens in every possible situation.  It happens when discussing evil, and it happens when kissing my sweet husband.  That’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  Ordinary shit scares us to the point of uncontrollable shaking.

Reason #172: The trauma dictates our job
May 2, 2010, 12:03 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

You remember I posted in this blog about my colleague, the one who used to cut herself?  Well, part of her job requires her to travel to certain buildings around the city. 

Another colleague was complaining to me about the fact that “Woman-Who-Cuts-Herself” doesn’t want to go to these buildings alone.  She said “I’ve been doing it for a long time now, and I haven’t had any problems, nor am I afraid.”

I thought to myself “Yeah, that’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  We get terribly afraid of going to places that you don’t even think twice about.”  Out loud, I said “Why do you suppose she is afraid?”  My colleague looked at me and said “I don’t know. I want to tell her to stop being such a baby.”

I was disgusted.  It’s not enough they have to fuck us, you have to as well?

“Woman-Who-Cuts-Herself” had already confided me in me that she had been raped by her boyfriend when she was a teenager.  When you are on intimate terms with evil like this, you get afraid to go to places by yourself.  Her job is on the line now because she is being forced to do something that makes her uncomfortable because of the fact that she has survived rape.

This could easily be me, and it usually is me.  Many, many times I am forced to do something that makes me terribly anxious because of what I have already survived.  This can be as simple as walking into my own home alone, or it can be as daring as doing something at night.  Since “Woman Who Cuts Herself” and I know for sure that people are willing to hurt us without regard to our feelings or our bodies, we also know for sure that other people might do this to us again.  Are we supposed to feel safe just by virtue of us being alive?  Unfortunately, the exact opposite is true.  The fact that we survived evil means that we are now damn afraid of the world and the people in it.  Consequently, we are willing to do anything to keep ourselves safe.  Even if this means losing our jobs.

For me, this living fear has always dictated the kind of job I am willing to get.  I have turned down jobs due to parking, for instance.  If the parking lot doesn’t look like something I will be able to walk through alone for whatever reason, I will not take the job.  This hasn’t happened just one time to me – it has happened many times.  And that is just one example of why I might not take a certain job.

I have a hard time taking night jobs.  I am afraid of the dark.  How could I possibly walk to my fucking car in the dark at night??

When I do have something I must do at night, I usually ask the huz to drive me to and from the event.  My husband, sweet beautiful man that he is, never shames me about it, and usually drives me around like a fucking chauffeur just because he is a nice guy.  If he can’t take me, then I have to make a bunch of different safety plans and worry and worry until the least scary plan emerges.  Least scary usually involves me shaking and breathing weird, but all the other plans would be worse, so I settle on that one.

This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  People may fool themselves into thinking that it doesn’t have lasting effects in tangible ways, but it does.  We don’t take certain jobs, and it limits our pay.

Reason #54: Trembling
March 4, 2009, 1:04 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , ,

Yesterday I was showering, and I thought I heard something, and I immediately froze and started shaking. Trembling seems to be the way I have been handling fear for the last five years or so.

This trembling shit started when my husband asked me to marry him. I was terrified of marriage (probably because of my parents). Still though, I loved my husband and I wanted to be with him. I said yes, despite my fear.

The trembling started on my wedding day. I was at the beauty parlor with my mom and aunt, and the hairdresser put the veil on my head. My hands started shaking. I thought it was weird, but figured it was hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) or nerves or whatever. Then my teeth started chattering. I said to my mom “Something’s wrong with my hands and teeth.”

My mom said “Sweetie, everything’s going to be okay. This is a good thing you are doing.” I had no idea what she was talking about. My husband is a great man, and I didn’t have doubts about that. I was trying to tell her that something was physically wrong with me. She could see I didn’t understand what she was saying though, and so she repeated it to me over and over. “Sweetie, you’re doing a good thing, you have nothing to be afraid of. You’re going to a good place, this is meant to be.”

I realized then that my mom thought I was afraid, and that I was trembling from fear. I thought she was stupid and wrong.

That night, our wedding night, my husband and I were kissing in bed. He was on top of me. I started trembling uncontrollably. My teeth started chattering so hard I couldn’t get the words out to say “stop”. This is what happens to survivors of child sex abuse. We get real scared and we start shaking. And even though my husband was “safe”, lots of fucking people in my life were supposed to be safe, like babysitters and brothers and fathers. And shit, if these trusted people weren’t “safe”, then who was this man, this husband, to be “safe”? I mean really, what the fuck does “safe” mean in a world where people fuck kids anyway?

In the midst of this bout of trembling and shaking, I realized that mom was neither stupid nor wrong, but instead (as usual) mom was right. My sweet husband could see what was happening and stopped. I said “something seems to be wrong with my hands and my teeth”, but my teeth were chattering so bad it didn’t come out very coherent. My husband said “Baby, it’s okay. We don’t do anything that you don’t want to do.” I cried then, because it was my wedding night, and for heaven sake – can I please fuck my husband on our wedding night for heaven sake?

We didn’t have sex that night, and we haven’t had sex a lot of the nights of our marriage because of this.

%d bloggers like this: