Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #285: Mi Sheberach

As a survivor, I have always had a difficult time getting to sleep and then staying asleep. This last year of marriage breaking and almost dying in a hospital has probably worsened this already existing problem.

Last week, in an attempt to stop being so afraid at night, I bought myself a lava lamp. I figured that the moving shit inside the lamp would make me less afraid at night, and give me something pretty to look at. It’s pretty to look at, but it didn’t make me less afraid.

One of my fears is that I will go to sleep ‘too early’ and then I will wake up in the middle of the night, afraid and alone. Too early can be anywhere from 10PM – 12AM. The thing is, sometimes I get up at 6AM and sometimes at 7:30AM.

Anyway, I’m tired. I’m tired from a year of shit sleep. I’m not sure what to do about that. It’s definitely affecting my work, and I have a meeting with my boss tomorrow morning (ostensibly to talk about the fact that I am not doing my work well or on time). That’s what I’d talk to me about if I were him.

The thing is, I can’t say to him “I’m sorry I haven’t been producing the kind of work I used to. I’ve been sleeping alone in my own bedroom ever since my husband told me he’s a girl. Sleeping alone is very difficult for me because three different people tried to fuck me when I was a child, and since then I am scared all the time. Since I’m not sleeping, I’m not doing great work either. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids; we have times of being shitty in the workplace.”

Most of the time he lets me skate by because I’ve had periods of raging success. But it’s been a year of shit for me, and thus, shit for him. I’m not sure how to change the situation or how to suddenly get sleep.

On Sunday, I was laying in bed awake, and it was like 2AM, and I was feeling so sad and hopeless about my situation. I started comforting myself with thoughts of suicide. Mind you, I don’t want to actually commit suicide– (I don’t believe in motherless children, so suicide is not an option for me right now). I just want to be able to sleep at night and live my life without constant fear all the time.

So, although thoughts of suicide are comforting to me, I cannot act on them right now. So, in a Shawshank Redemption kind of way, I need to ‘either get busy living or get busy dying’. So, I tried something the next night. In temple, we sing this song called “Mi Sheberach”, which is a Jewish song for healing. The song is sung mostly in Hebrew, and the text of the song goes something like this: “May the source of strength, Who blessed the ones before us, Help us find the courage to make our lives a blessing”.  Here’s a link to the song on YouTube.

When I first got out of the hospital (after almost dying from gallbladder issues), I was in a great deal of pain.  At night, I used to rub my stomach and chest, and sing the Mi Sheberach song to myself, in the hopes of healing my physical ailments.  So a few nights ago, I put one hand on my head and one hand on my heart, and sang the Mi Sheberach in an attempt to heal my heart and mind. My heart and mind broke as a result of surviving abuse, and maybe if I sing this song to myself, I can be a part of the solution. Perhaps the forming of a ritual before going to sleep will help me get to sleep?

I will continue to pray for my own healing, and the healing of all of us who have suffered in this way.

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