Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #219: I don’t want to do that
February 2, 2011, 9:44 pm
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Last night, the huz and I got into bed, and he moved his face near mine to kiss me.  I said loudly “I don’t want to do that.”  I heard myself say it, and I sounded like a little girl.  A panicked little girl.  I was immediately embarrassed at how I sounded.  The huz said “It’s okay, baby.  No one has to do anything they don’t want to do.” 

I’ve been fucked up ever since that session with my mom.  No interest in sex or kissing or anything.  This is what happens when you fuck kids, truly.  All our ‘normality’ around sex is completely gone.  Shattered.  How could we possibly be normal around sex when all of our formative experiences around sex were against our will??

This is where the pedophiles really have skewed logic.  They think kids are sexual, and so they’re helping them be sexual.  The thing is though, if kids are sexual, they are sexual with other kids, not creepy old men.  Would these pedophiles want some man older than themselves being sexual with them??

I have no idea what kind of sexual person I would have been had these people not molested me when I was a child.  I wonder if I would have been promiscuous.  I wonder if I still would have been a virgin when I got married?  I dated my husband for 2 years before I lost my virginity to him. 

My husband is a really sweet, generous, kind man, and I am grateful every day to have met and married him.  However, I wonder if without my history of sex abuse, if I would have still married my husband.  The thing is, this year of marital therapy has taught me that I married the safest man on the planet, one who has almost no interest in sex.  I married a nice safe man that would never push me into having sex with him.  The flip side of that, of course, is that when I am interested in sex, I am shit out of luck.  Lucky for both of us, that session with my mom stirred up the trauma for me again, so I have no interest again either.  For now, our libidos match.

The ‘Praise G-d’ side of me says that maybe this did happen to me so that I would meet my soulmate and recognize him for the beautiful man that he is.  Maybe being abused led me to someone who is a rescuer, in the best sense of the word.  Maybe marrying a rescuer will help me become a rescuer too.

I am grateful to have met him.  Of course I am grateful.  But this is the reality of living with the miracle of love in my life.  I don’t know what normal sexuality looks like, and I sure as fuck don’t know what it feels like.  That’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #205: Praise G-d

***This post is controversial, and might be perceived as somewhat preachy.  I hate proselytization (when you try to convert someone to your religion, or your way of thinking about G-d) more than most other shit in the world, so if G-d (or this way of thinking about G-d) isn’t your thing, I apologize for how this post might come across.  Know that my healing journey may differ from yours, and both are good. ***

I was watching an episode of “19 Kids and Counting” today – it’s that show about the Duggar Family.  The Duggars believe that every child is a gift from G-d, which I personally think is a lovely way to think about children.  The show is probably somewhat controversial though, as people have opinions about how many children is okay and how many is too much.

Anyway though, in today’s episode, Michelle Duggar (the mom) developed pre-eclampsia in the 25th week of pregnancy and had to deliver the 19th baby early.  Jim Bob (the father) was scared out of his wits – he was facing the possible loss of not only his 19th child, but also his wife – but he choked back tears to say this: “When good things happen to us, we praise G-d.  When bad things happen to us, we praise G-d.”

I thought this was so beautiful.  I mean, if you think about it, when good things happen to you, you never sit there and say “Why, G-d, why??”  But when bad things happen, you can bet you ask why!  Why G-d, why?  Why did that babysitter molest me?  Why did my father punch me?  Why!  How could You let that happen to me?

When I look at my situation through a lens of “praise G-d” though, I think about how if G-d has a hand in this, then maybe there is a plan.  If there is a plan, then there is a purpose for all that has happened to me.  That maybe G-d allowed this to happen to me for a reason.  Maybe that reason is a deeper understanding of pain, which allows me a deeper understanding of empathy.  Maybe G-d allowed this babysitter to hurt my brother and I through some sort of divine plan, and if that is true, then He will lead me through the healing part of it too, right?

I read somewhere that people who are spiritual have a better chance at healing from their traumatic experiences, from drug addictions, from all sorts of things.  Maybe if I believe in praising G-d in the bad times, then I will heal from this whole thing. 

Something terrible happened to me.  Yes. Yes, there have been 205 ways that being fucked as a kid has fucked me so far.  Yes.  I seem to have a hard time healing from it.  I have a hard time trusting people, and I can’t seem to fuck my husband without images of my brother popping into my mind without my permission. I can’t raise my child without thinking about my own experiences in childhood.  I have nightmares and panic attacks. Yes.  That cannot be denied.  These things happened to me, I survived them, and the process of surviving them has caused me 205 fucked up things that wouldn’t otherwise be a part of my life experience.  Praise G-d.

Praising G-d when you have lost all hope of any other way of surviving what is otherwise unthinkable.  That’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #111: There but for the grace of G-d

I was in a meeting today where someone said “I hate it when someone says ‘There but for the grace of G-d go I’, because it implies that the person that the bad thing happened to was not graced.”

Given my last post about G-d, I couldn’t help but think about her statement. The thing is, I am famous for that particular sentence. I am always saying “There but for the grace of G-d…”

I never thought about it the way that woman said it, but I can’t help but wonder what in her life might have inspired such a comment. She didn’t ‘seem’ like a survivor to me, but then what the fuck do I know. Everyone shocks the shit out of me.

I have been feeling guilty ever since I wrote my last post about G-d, because I have always been someone who has tried to bring people closer to G-d, not farther away, and I worry that my post will bring someone farther away. To me, that is akin to taking away hope from someone, and I think hope is so important, dare I say the most important thing.

The thing is, it’s okay to speak up about your feelings, especially to or about G-d. G-d is G-d, He can handle it. My husband once said to me “Imagine an infinite amount of patience and an infinite amount of love and an infinite amount of wisdom, and you’d still have only a glimpse of what G-d is.” (Mind you, he said that when we were dating, now he doesn’t believe in anything.)

Feeling guilty about speaking out against G-d, feeling worried that I might take away someone’s hope because I know I what it is like to only have hope or only have G-d to comfort me. The only reason I feel guilty about this is because of my firsthand experience surviving the process of healing from child sexual abuse and incest. I am not done healing, by any means. I keep a fucking log of reasons why you shouldn’t fuck kids, each one detailing a moment in my life where this abuse has fucked me up. I remember, and sometimes visit, the dark hole that seems endless. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #110: We Lose Our Sense of a Greater Good

Today, my son’s occupational therapist came in wearing a shirt that said “We are in G-d’s favor” (except G-d was spelled with the “o” in the middle). That shirt gave me pause for thought. First of all, wearing a shirt like that means that one feels totally safe in the world. I mean, I can’t imagine wearing such a sentiment on my body because it’s inviting G-d to say ‘No you’re not. You’re not in my favor, actually.”

I have so many of the things I really really wanted out of life – a baby, a husband, a home. I thought ‘Maybe I am in G-d’s favor.’ But then I thought about what happened to me before I met my husband, before I became an adult. Was I not in G-d’s favor when I was less than five years old and that babysitter decided to fuck my brother and I? Was my brother not in G-d’s favor?

I had always had a good relationship with G-d until I started coming to terms with the abuse. I can’t help but wonder where G-d was during all that.

But then I think about all the good things that I have gotten – my husband, my baby, my home – I mean, none of this would have been possible without G-d, right? My husband doesn’t believe in G-d because it can’t be scientifically proven. I am not sure I need proof. No one believes me when I say my dad was a weird pervert, and there’s no real proof of that except my words. The huz is willing to take my word for it on my Dad, but not on G-d.

I think belief in G-d swings on a pendulum for most people. We believe sometimes, we don’t other times. But for survivors, it’s a whole different flock of geese. We know for sure that evil exists and can hurt us, and we can’t help but wonder where G-d is during our pain.

Now my belief in G-d borders on fear because I now believe that G-d will not stop bad things from happening, though I believe that G-d will hold my hand through it. I think. And that’s the fucked up part. Whereas the thought of G-d was always a comforting thought, it’s now mired in fear. And I think that’s fucked up, because if anyone should be fearful of G-d, it’s people who fuck kids. I mean, shit, if anyone’s going to hell, it’s people who fuck kids. They rationalize it, but deep down they know they’re doing wrong.

I am afraid of G-d. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

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