Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #80: What Came After
April 23, 2009, 9:05 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

I was watching this movie that I recorded on TiVo called “The Nanny Express”. The nanny character is this woman whose mother died of cancer when she was in high school. She said “I thought the months right before she died were so hard, and it turns out they were nothing compared to the next few years without her.”

That is what it was like for me, surviving the abuse. When it was happening, I thought it was so hard living through this. So hard wondering how to face my dad at the breakfast table when he was looking at me like that, so hard going to school with everyone and their normal problems when mine were mountains that I couldn’t see past.

After Mom divorced him, and both my father and brother were living away, I have never had to live with either of them again. It’s supposed to be good now, right? I mean, the abusers are not living with me anymore.

I didn’t understand that surviving the abuse is one thing, what comes after is real fucked up and hard. It’s been 20 years since I last had to suffer any childhood sexual abuse. I am still fucked up. I still have issues with summer blankets, nighttime terrors, fears of elevators, showering, all kinds of shit that make every day real hard. All these hard things share a common cause. A babysitter, my brother, and my father molested me when I was a child, at separate times. I have been afraid ever since. I am pretty sure that were it not for the kindness of strangers, family, and friends, I would be dead from suicide a long time ago. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.




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