Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #191: Can’t wear certain colors
August 19, 2010, 1:08 pm
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The funny thing about Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is that unless you are actively attacking it, it will keep actively attacking you. Remember how I wouldn’t wear certain colors of underwear? Well, now I have expanded this mishegas into other items of clothing, and thus I won’t buy or wear certain colors of shirts or scrunchies (for my hair).  Some of my wardrobe is now good for shit because of this newest development in my fucked-upness.

In Judaism, the color red is considered to ward off evil.  So, obviously, red goes in the “can wear” pile. If I wear a blue shirt, or blue underwear, or blue scrunchie, I think something bad will happen. I feel like by wearing this color, I am telling the universe it is okay for something bad to happen. I don’t want to send that message out to the universe, so I don’t wear that color.  Think about it – when people say they feel sad, they say “I feel blue”.

Green, I figure, is okay because it usually signifies health.  Yellow is okay too – it’s the color of the sun.   Orange seems kind of bright, right?  Purple and yellow together are the colors of healing, a therapist once told me.  

As you can see, I have given this color thing a lot of thought. 

Sounds fucking nuts, doesn’t it? Of course it is fucking nuts.  These attempts of mine to ward off evil are absolutely fucking nuts, because if I had to psychoanalyze myself, I would say that I am trying to create an environment where I am certain that nothing bad will happen to me.  Or worse, that if something bad does happen to me, it won’t be my fault.  It won’t be because I wore the bad color.

This is what happens when you fuck kids.  We grow up believing that if we had done something differently, then we could have prevented people from taking advantage of us in the worst ways.  We spend the rest of our lives trying to ward off the kind of evil that has already happened to us, even to the minutest detail of the colors we wear.  The truth is, it wouldn’t have mattered what color I wore then, just as it doesn’t matter what color I wear now.  But it makes me feel better to only wear the ‘good’ colors, and to eschew the ‘bad’ colors, so I’m going to keep doing that.



Reason 51: Underwear Mishegaas

For those of you non-Jews out there, mishegaas is a yiddish word that means ‘craziness’, and that is what I am experiencing. Underwear craziness. Seriously.

The only two colors left in my drawer this morning when I went to pick my underwear were blue and black.  Now, I didn’t want to pick blue because it could mean bad things and I didn’t want to pick black because it could mean bad things.  I wear black on the outside all the time, but this black would be close to my vagina and I don’t want black or blue close to my vagina. But I only had the two pairs.  What to do, what to do.  The thing is, I wore the red ones on the day I needed extra luck because red wards off evil (Jewish superstition), and I wore purple on the day I was looking towards healing, and I wore the pink ones figuring it’s in the same family as red so it’s okay too.

But today, you see, I was left with just the blue and the black pair.  Now, blue I figure would mean ill health.  No reasonable reason why that would be, but then none of this shit is reasonable.  Fucking kids isn’t reasonable either yet people do it.  I wore the black pair today figuring I always wear black on the outside, maybe it would fool whatever powers that be into thinking that it is really just part of my outside outfit.

Here’s the best part.  I asked G-d to bless the underwear before I put them on.  If G-d blesses the black underwear, then it is okay to wear them.  G-d can certainly wash away any color weirdness that might accidentally result in my unintentionally wearing a color that attracts evil.

Seriously, this is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  I mean, come on, underwear color mishegaas.  I literally pray for my fucking underwear.  That’s fucked up right there.  I am reasonably certain that had that babysitter not entered our lives and shown me that bad things can happen to good people, I would not continually be trying to ward off surprise badness that might come via my color choices for underwear.




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