Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Not a reason, just an update

I haven’t posted in a while.  The thing is, I got freaked out.  I have been secretly keeping this blog for about 4 years now, and when I started it, it was because I had something to prove.  I needed to prove that there are a lot of hidden ways that being a survivor of child sexual abuse has affected me in my daily life.  Most of these effects are the kinds of things that no one but my ex-spouse would know about it.  In other words, it would take someone physically living in my space to be aware of the myriad ways that surviving child sexual abuse has fucked me up.

Of course, even living with me wouldn’t be enough to know all the hidden ways, because a lot of the effects take place in my head.  For instance, fear is a constant effect of having survived the abuse.

My newest fear is that the people I work with would find my blog, or that future people I need to work with would find my blog.  It’s disgusting, but in my line of work, people would judge me for being a survivor.  So I hide it.  But I worry that people would find my blog anyway.  I keep it anonymous for that reason.

The thing is, what began as a blog to prove things has also become a journal about my life.  I never could have predicted that so much change would occur in the space of four short years.  My husband is becoming my ex-wife.  My career is doing stuff I never even thought of. And I am trying to find myself, heal myself, and figure shit out in the meantime.

So that’s where I’ve been lately.

The ex-spouse and I still live together.  We’ve formed a lovely sisterhood, and we are raising our son together.  We will eventually get divorced, probably.  My sweet beautiful son has known his father as a woman since he was 3, and the other day his teacher told us that he explained his situation to another child (in the exact same way we explained it to him).

We originally told him this: “Some boys are born boys, and they look like boys on the outside, and they feel like boys on the inside. Some boys are born boys, and they look like boys on the outside and they feel like girls on the inside.  That’s Daddy.  He looks like a boy on the outside, but feels like a girl on the inside.  So now Daddy will begin looking like a girl on the outside to match what he feels like on the inside.”

He said “Am I a girl?”

Despite our trying to raise him with genderlessness, he’s all boy.  When he has wanted Barbie dolls, we got them for him.  But for the most part, he naturally seemed to gravitate to shit I was never interested in when I was a little girl.  Trucks. Monsters.  Superheroes.  Legos. Wrestling. Et cetera.

So I answered him “No sweetie.”

So that’s him, and that’s my ex.  And for me, I don’t know.  Sometimes I think about my future, and I wonder if there will be another boyfriend or husband or whatever.  Boy would he be in for a world of shit, huh??  I thought I had trust issues before this marriage, but holy shit have they tripled since then!! But I honestly think that is to be expected when you have a happy marriage and your male spouse turns into your female spouse. So, there’s that.

Sometimes though, I think about my life in a different way. This year needs to be about empowerment. I want to be empowered to be my best self. My best self would be someone who thinks a man is a ‘nice to have’, not a ‘have to have’.  Does that make any sense?  What I mean is that I hope that this is the year where I learn to live a more empowered life.

So that’s what I have been working on.  It comes slowly.

To my readers: Thank you for being with me for these last four years.  I will continue writing reasons when I have courage to do so. Thank you for taking the journey with me so far.



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