Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #309: The obesity problem in society

I would like to lose weight.  I am unhappy at the weight I am at. The problem is that whenever I have lost weight in the past, I get to a certain point and no matter what I do, I can’t lose any more weight (even though I would be considered fat at that weight on any doctor’s scale).

Two years ago, I began The Sugar Addicts Recovery Program.  Kathleen DesMaisons feels that if you eat enough protein in the morning, you won’t have as many cravings through the day.  I think she is right, so I have been doing that ever since.  Then about a year ago, I found the Jon Gabriel Method. He explains that if you are anything more than 10 lbs overweight, it is because you do not feel safe losing the weight.  He says that as long as you don’t feel safe, your body will never release its hold on the weight because your body simply doesn’t want to be thin.

I couldn’t agree with him more. I have always known that my fatness was about safety.  I didn’t start gaining weight till my brother began molesting me. As an adult, every time I have tried to lose weight, I have mostly failed.  A thinner body is a smaller body.  When I was in a small body as a child, three people used my smallness to their sexual advantage.  They used my body for their sexual pleasure, and enjoyed their power over me.  When I think about being in a thinner body now, I equate it with smallness.  Smallness hasn’t worked out well for me in the past.  These thoughts and anxieties have thwarted many attempts to lose weight, and eventually my subconscious overtakes me, and I have put on more weight than I have lost in diets.

This, of course, is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. You don’t like the obesity problem in America?  Stop fucking kids.  I was once at a conference on incest, and I swear to G-d, every single one of us (and I’m talking hundreds of people) was overweight.  Some of us were massively overweight.  We have all cleverly figured out that weight is a good shield, a good measure of insulation that keeps people far the fuck away from us. And honestly, this has worked pretty well for me so far.  Somehow when I reach a certain weight, I become invisible to men. This weight has kept me safe.

But the truth is that my adult self is unhappy with this weight now.  I don’t feel protected by it so much anymore. Instead, I feel hampered by it. I feel like my weight is holding me back from being my best self.

As you know from my last post, this year is my year of trying to empower myself. I have spent a lot of time working through this issue in therapy, and listening to Jon Gabriel’s visualizations.  And today I had such a lovely thought.  I tried to imagine myself in a thinner body.  And immediately my mind did its usual thing where thinness=smallness=me getting violated again. But today I changed the ending of that thought. The violator still tries to violate me, but in my thinner smaller body, I am confident and fit.  I am strong and I have a good relationship with my body.  My body and I work together and I fight my would-be violator, and I KICK HIS FUCKING ASS.

He will think twice before ever fucking with me again.

Reason # 282: I want to lose weight
February 27, 2012, 9:01 pm
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I walked into my therapist’s office last week, and said “I want to lose weight, and I want you to help me.”

She said “Okay, let’s work on it.”

I said, “Here’s the thing though.  When I think about losing weight, I think about being in a thin body, and then I feel much more rapeable.  It’s kind of a 1, 2, 3 thought process for me.  First I will lose the weight, then I will be thin, then I can be raped much more easily than I can in this fat body.”

She has tried to argue the logic of this with me before.  She has tried the whole ‘fat women get raped too’ spiel, but that hasn’t convinced me to stop being fat.  She has also tried the whole ‘healthier women can run away from rapists better than fat women’ thing too, and that also has no effect.  I said as much to her in this session.

She once explained to me that when logic and emotion meet in an argument, logic must always defer to emotion’s reasoning.  She said that when you try to attack an emotional argument with logic, you will always lose. The emotional person will always win, because no matter what logic you throw into the argument, the emotional person will always come back with an emotional argument.  That’s why her logic about rape happening to fat people didn’t mean anything to me; my argument for being fat is not logical in the first place, so logic won’t win the argument either.

She said “Why don’t we talk about why you think that if you lose weight it is easier to rape you?”

I said “Well, it’s irrefutable fact.  When I was in a smaller body, three people used my body against my will.  I know for sure that when I am smaller, people use their bodies to hurt mine.”  Then I started to cry, and I said “To be very honest with you, it was only in the last year of our marriage that I stopped being SO afraid that my husband would rape me, and I was able to sleep comfortably next to him at night.”

She looked so startled by this admission, and said she hadn’t realized that. Then she asked me why this admission made me cry.  I said “Because I am ashamed!  Look at us!  He never wanted to even have sex with me, and here I was afraid of rape for 8 of the 9 years we were together.  Even in the last year, I was still afraid of it.”

I am ashamed of my thought process, I guess. I am ashamed of how truly distorted my cognitions are.  H/she was a sweet loving husband, and rape would have been the furthest thing from his mind.  H/she didn’t even want sex!  But we did cuddle and kiss a lot, and I guess I always assumed that his baser instincts were going to kick in, and I’d be surprised by him raping me, and so I felt I had to be hypervigilant in bed against him.

I said “The thing is, whenever I got really afraid in bed with him, I automatically lost the power of speech too.  I wanted to talk, but I couldn’t figure out how to do it.  So I would lay there terrified, staring at him, wanting to speak and unable to.”

She started talking to me in a really soft gentle voice.  She does that whenever I cry, especially about the sex abuse.  She said “You go back to being a little girl who can’t talk.  When these things happen, you forget you are an adult, and you go back to being a little girl.”

She’s right.  I want to lose the weight, I really do. But in my mind, losing the weight makes me vulnerable.  Thinner = smaller body = little girl’s body = more vulnerable to rape.

I walked in to that session saying I want to lose weight.  I left that session and literally drove to McDonald’s. I have been binging ever since.

Reason #56: My Fat Ass

I suppose I cannot blame my whole fat ass on the sex abuse. I mean, I am Jewish and come from a family of Jews. We Jews are not exactly known for our restraint with the food. Plus, my whole family is a bunch of fat asses too.

BUT. When my brother started molesting me, I did start eating in a conscious effort to change my body. I thought that perhaps if I ate enough and got fat enough, he wouldn’t want me anymore. When my dad started molesting me, I ate for the same reasons. Only his shit made me so sick, I would throw it all up. I couldn’t take it. I would literally have bulimic attacks anytime I thought about it. For years, I binged and threw up on his birthday.

This Monday, I had six weeks of solid dieting under my belt. I hit 10 lbs of weight loss. I got excited. I went shopping for a new shirt. I calculated how long it would take for the next five to come off. I thought about how great I would look. How I would fit into my skinny jeans again. How men would find me attractive. How being thin opens me up to the possibility of rape.

Just so we’re clear – I understand that women (and men) of all shapes and sizes get raped. I get that. In my mind though, if I am thin, it is easier to overtake me, to overpower me. The size of my ass is directly related to my own comfort level, both up and down the scale. It’s not rational, but frankly, fucking kids isn’t rational either.

I told myself that I was getting healthier, not thinner. Rape doesn’t have to happen just because I get thinner. I will never be a child again, and no one can ever do that to me again the way it happened to me those times with my brother, and my father, and that babysitter. I am an adult now. Getting thin is just about getting thin, and that’s that. And then I binged my brains out and threw it all up while crying.

This seems to happen to me every time I hit some sort of milestone on the scale, like 10 lbs or 20 or 25, etc. The whole process of weight loss is just so fucking frightening. As more weight comes off, more of my real body shows. I am so used to being hidden under layers of fat, and as the real me emerges from underneath – well, it’s terrifying, frankly. Last time my real body was shown, a babysitter took interest in it, a brother used it against my will, and a father stared at its growing parts. This is probably why I hide my body in layers of fat, and this is also why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

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