Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: air conditioner, anxiety, child sexual abuse, fear of the dark, PTSD, shame
Last night, it got really hot in our house. I asked the huz to go downstairs to turn the air conditioning up. He got upset and said he was feeling comfortable. I said “Fine, get hot later on. Whatever.” Really I was feeling jealous that he is able to sleep with nothing but a sheet when I lay there huddled under everything and then some.
He got upset with my nasty reply (justifiably so), and said “Do you want to go downstairs and turn the AC up?” He asked this knowing full well that I wouldn’t go downstairs.
I played it out in my head, going downstairs to the dark room, creeping over to the thermostat and turning it, all the while listening listening listening until some sound made me tremble and shake and run back into the bedroom, shutting the door behind me quickly and locking it, checking the lock and latch again and again and again. Standing in the dark bedroom after my run up the stairs, listening listening listening – is the man downstairs following me? Did he run up the stairs after me? Quiet. Listen. Listen. Try to walk calmly to the bed, but run instead. Jump back into bed, put the covers over my head, lay there with my heart beating in my head.
Out loud, I said “That is the second time in two nights that you have shamed me about my nighttime stuff.”
Did he shame me? I don’t know. I sure felt ashamed after our exchange, that’s for sure. But at the same time, all he really did was ask a question. A very loaded question that led me down a terrible road.
The truth is that I was walking down that road a long time before I met my husband. He just reminded me of the road, and it hurt to be reminded of it in that way, at that vulnerable time.
Not being able to turn up the air conditioner when you are hot, because it is located downstairs in a dark room. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.
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Reasons You Shouldn't Fuck Kids 
My gentle friend, you are so in touch with your feelings, so true are your words. I’m sorry about the fears at night that seem to be compounded by your husband’s frustrations.
Comment by sandma1half April 27, 2009 @ 3:37 amWhile he knows he should be helping you through these fears by empowering you in some way, perhaps by telling you that he is there with you or that you can do anything you set your mind to; unfortunately there is a shortage of saints on this good earth. I hope to hear that something of a positive event in your life, in spite of the fact that the nature of this blog is to focus on the negative to prove that no child should ever get fucked, not mentally, not physically, nor spiritually. I have been reading “Breaking the Chain of Low Self Esteem” and was particularly inspired by the recovery aspects of this. One of the exercises they ask us to do is to list ways we sabotage ourselves with self-defeating behavior, specifically. The next steps involve describing what actually happened as a result, thinking about what could have happened if we’d acted differently, writing a couple possible alternatives, asking for advice from a therapist or friends if we need it. And then picking one scenario and imagining a positive outcome. Finally, it asks us to choose one self-defeating behavior, and make a commitment to try a new behavior the next time, recording any success in a journal, and rewarding ourselves for it however we see fit. I really like this suggestion. I’m gonna have to blog about this myself. 🙂
Hi butterfly,
I’m sorry that he is frustrated and said those comments. That was shaming and I’m sorry about that as well. I am glad that he doesn’t know what it is like to go through this, but hope that he will be more solicitious of you, what you are going through, and the limitations and complications being sexually abused have caused and still cause in your life.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
Comment by kate1975 April 28, 2009 @ 3:14 amUnfortunately our spouses can be insensitive about our need for safety and the fears we experience in situations non-abused folks know as inconsequential. You have very good reasons for your fears and, by no means, should your spouse shame you for them. I’m sorry this was the case. When others do this to me I try to remember that they’ve had a different life from me, a life w/o abuse, a different reality that has shaped them.
Be gentle with yourself, and expect that your spouse will be too.
Peace and safety to you.
nomorehurt
Comment by nomorehurt April 28, 2009 @ 12:27 pm