Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: dating, penis, sex, survivor of child sexual abuse, transgender
It’s been almost 10 months now since my husband told me he feels like a girl inside. The first five months were spent in heavy mourning, with a lot of crying. The next two months – I spent them in and out of the hospital due to gall bladder issues combined with iatrogenic harm. Then these last few months I spent coming to an acceptance.
My mind has begun to understand my husband as a female, and I accept our upcoming divorce. Our relationship has morphed, after a lot of crying, fighting, blaming, etc., into a lovely friendship.
Now that I’ve come to this place of acceptance, I have begun thinking about the idea of dating in the future. When I picture trying to date a new man, I worry over every part of it. I have no specific man I am thinking of dating, mind you, so all these worries occur with some faceless guy in the future. Inevitably, my mind goes to the probability of me having sex issues in bed with new guy. I mean, that was the reason I ended up marrying my husband. He never pushed me on sex, and I sought out the safety of that. So it’s inevitable that this issue will surface again with a new dude. And even that is only if I can get over myself enough to freaking try to date again.
Sometimes I picture it all going something like this:
New Dude: “By the way, Butterfly, how many dudes have you slept with?”
Butterfly: “Oh, uh, one.”
New Dude: “What?”
Butterfly: “Yeah. The first guy was my husband. I was almost 31 when we slept together. A few months before we got married.”
New Dude: “Seriously? Why??”
And this is where I stare at him and contemplate saying “This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. We grow up scared of penis and sex and we marry men who don’t want sex, or in my case, their penis.”
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Reasons You Shouldn't Fuck Kids 
“we marry men who don’t want sex, or in my case, their penis”. I love your dark sense of humour, Butterfly. You know, I took a break from sex for a few years early into healing, and then did a lot of venting and grieving and reliving and processing flashbacks. By the time I went back to having sex, it was a LOT easier. It may not end up being that bad.
I hear you on the worrying about dating other people. I’m still grieving hard about the changes in my own marriage, and am no where near dating yet, as much as I’d like to on some levels.
hugs and Happy Hanukkah,
Comment by sworddancewarrior December 20, 2011 @ 10:49 pmSDW
Dear Butterfly,
This is huge. You are contemplating dating. This is huge. I think you are so brave, I know you don’t feel that way, but you are.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
Comment by kate1975 December 26, 2011 @ 4:12 amAs said above, your dark sense of humour is brilliant. I am new to your blog but i look forward to reading more honest posts. I already have major respect for you. xx
Comment by doesmybumlookbiginthis January 4, 2012 @ 7:53 amI have a question butterfly. In other posts you talk about dating again but obviously you have probs with sexual boundaries/ situations (which is completely understandable). I was wondering, are you dating again because you actually want to have a relationship with someone or because you think you should? I have pretty much given up on dating. I just don’t seem to need that kind of companionship anymore. Maybe you don’t need it but just feel obligated or afraid of being alone. Whatever your reasons, I think you should put dating on hold and just work on getting a great group of friends first (if you don’t already have some) and work on just you. You need support for YOU, a relationship right now will only put more stress on you.
Just something that crossed my mind.
Comment by randym23 January 23, 2012 @ 2:42 pmIf I crossed a line I apologize in advance.
Hi Randy,
I am not actually dating anyone right now. Instead I am merely opening myself up to the possibility of dating. To me, the fact that I am even contemplating it is an absolutely wonderful sign of being alive. 🙂
Thank you for asking,
Comment by butterflysblog January 24, 2012 @ 3:41 amButterfly