Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: brother-sister incest, child molester, child sexual abuse, marriage counseling, molesting the dog, pedophile, therapist, therapy
So the huz and I are in marriage counseling, as you might know from my previous post. As any good marriage counselor does, she made us come in separately once so that she can get our history.
I saw her a few days ago for my ‘single’ session with her. She asked me about my history, my family. I told her about the babysitter and then about my brother. She immediately starts with ‘it’s okay if you enjoyed it’. Well, I didn’t enjoy it. I handled it by pretending I wasn’t there, and wishing the whole thing would go fast and be over soon. Then she says how it’s okay if he didn’t coerce me into it. I was like well I said no a bunch of times, but apparently my no’s meant jackshit to my brother.
I hate it when therapists try to jump in and fix my shit before knowing all my shit, you know?
Then we started talking about whether my brother was fucked up or not. I told her I walked in on him molesting our dog when I was a teenager. That’s when the therapist got visibly upset. (shaking my head in disbelief while writing this). Apparently it’s okay to fuck me, but fucking the dog – that’s too much.
As I sat across from her though, I too started getting upset. I thought about it, about what my brother was doing to the dog, and I started to cry inside. My sweet beloved doggie, whom I couldn’t do right by. When I walked in on it happening, I wasn’t sure what to do. I told mom about it. I have no idea how she handled it. I like to think it never happened again, probably because I took pains never to leave the dog alone with my brother again. I was terrified of him though and I am sure I didn’t handle the situation right. I wonder now what right would have been. Would it have been maybe giving up my beloved dog to a proper home? In a house of crazy, was it okay to keep the one being that loved me? I don’t know. I feel terrible about the fact that I couldn’t protect my dog.
I suppose it is easier to be upset about the dog than about me. It is easier to face, and yet more horrible to face at the same time.
The session went on, now with both of us upset. She asked me if I thought he would molest children again. I said without a doubt yes, but he is not a pedophile. There is a difference between child molestors and pedophiles (though neither are desirable). A pedophile is sexually gratified by children, whereas a child molester generally molests for power via sexual abuse. There’s a difference. Anyway, I think my brother is the latter kind. He wouldn’t go out of his way to molest a child or a dog, but the world is a lot safer if he doesn’t have any kids. (Or dogs.)
I told the therapist that I have watched him very closely my whole life, making sure he is never alone with children. If he ever got close to a kid, I promised myself I would go public with what he did to me. No child will suffer by my silence.
The therapist said that when I said that I watched him closely my whole life, she got sad for me. She said no child should have to watch anyone that closely. She is right; I am trying to protect the world at large in a way I couldn’t protect myself or my pet. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.
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Reasons You Shouldn't Fuck Kids 
You nailed it with the ‘fixing your shit before she knows your shit’ thing. Sounds like your couples therapist isn’t very experienced with survivors, so she jumped in with a formula.
Comment by sworddancewarrior February 23, 2009 @ 2:26 amI reported my abuser because I wasn’t sure if he were abusing any other relatives I didn’t know about. It was worth doing. The police took it very seriously and were good about it. I brought an advocate from the organization that was giving me therapy at the time – she was a worker hired to go to court with survivors and wasn’t the best at her job, but I think having her there gave me credibility and made sure everything was professional. She also, because she wasn’t a relative or involved or anything, was allowed to sit in and be there while I told my story, which a spouse or friend wouldn’t have been allowed to be. It was helpful to have an ally there, since cops are a bit scary and these were guys (what were they thinking not having a female officer there?) I suppose a lawyer could come too. Thought it might be useful to know in case you do it. I know reporting (and the aftermath) is hard, so I’m not pressuring you to do it, but if you report, then at least you’re sharing the work with the police, rather than being his keeper. My abuser got put in a database, and if there were any sex offenses he might be good for, a police officer friend told me he’d get called into a lineup, even without being convicted. I don’t know if he ever got called, but I like the idea. The resulting investigation I think helped bolster my other relatives to not allow my abuser access to kids in the family.
The other thing is my country has a law that says your therapist has to report if she believes a child is at risk, so if you have a similar law she might be obligated to turn your brother in. That’s probably why she asked all those questions about him.
I suspected some abuse in one of my spouses’ relatives families once and was too nervous to report, so I gave the info to my therapist who reported for me. Way less stressful.
Who knew you and I had even MORE in common. The dog issue. *SIGH* This broke my heart, made me shake and cry more than I already have been. I haven’t slept, been up all night, I am exhausted. I had to read your blog before going to sleep. *Hugs to you*
Comment by V February 24, 2009 @ 12:49 pmGood grief. There are no limits to what these sickos do.
It took me a long time to find a really good therapist — either they just sit there with a blank stare, they do what your therapist did, or they watch the clock, and sometimes they just left (whatever place I was going to at the time). Luckily I’ve got a good one now. I learned that it was OK to say “I don’t feel comfortable with you” or voice my opinion on the way they were handling things.
We don’t have to be trapped by their formulas and text book responses. There are really good ones out there, but even they need checked on some things sometimes.
And that part of us that wants to protect will always be there. It’s a hard thing to carry, always being hyper-aware. We’re scared little adult-children with Superman capes that weigh a ton.((hugs))
Comment by All Time Love February 24, 2009 @ 4:23 pmI hate that too. And why do they assume they can fix your stuff. They are supposed to support you and give you suggestions for you to fix your own shit.
Kate
Comment by kate1975 May 8, 2009 @ 6:36 am[…] second therapist came less than a year ago, and I wrote about our experience with her in Reason #50. She was really terrible with the sex abuse stuff, and the worst thing about her was that she […]
Pingback by Reason #138: Another fucking therapist « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids December 16, 2009 @ 2:29 amReading this just made me mad. Because of the babysitter and your brother, but also because of the incompetent therapist who said “it’s ok if you enjoyed it”. Man that makes me mad. Even if you did – and you already said you didn’t – then it was a physical thing, your body responding the way it’s meant to, not because you “enjoyed it”. No child “enjoys” being abused.
Grr……
Comment by Kerro December 16, 2009 @ 10:25 am