It’s hard to want to fuck, even consensually, when you can’t let your husband touch your genitals, because having your genitals touched feels like it did when your brother touched your genitals when you didn’t want him to. It’s hard to fuck my husband, because even though he is wonderful, my brother wasn’t. And when I get horny, and my husband and I start to touch each other, sometimes I can’t remember who is in bed with me, my brother or my husband.
When I was a little girl, my brother molested me on our living room couch. I used to pretend I was the wall. I would look away, and I was the wall, and this wasn’t happening. He wasn’t touching me there or licking me there. And I wasn’t there either, because I was the wall.
Sex eludes me. As I understand it, some survivors turn nun-like, like I did, and some survivors fuck everything. Some survivors fuck everyone, because fucking strangers feels easier than being made to fuck your brother or step-father or whoever fucked you before you were old enough to consent to it. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids; it fucks with our sexuality, and fucks us for the rest of our life. No matter how old I am, I will always be the little girl who didn’t want her brother touching her there.
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Reasons You Shouldn't Fuck Kids 
[…] freaking out. I am an adult, I want to have sex like normal people. More than that, I want to want to have sex. Instead, I celebrate no-sex anniversaries. Possibly related posts: (automatically […]
Pingback by Reason #20: Don’t Touch « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids November 3, 2008 @ 12:58 pm[…] with my fear of the dark. This was the first reason not to fuck kids. My second reason dealt with sex, and it was something I dealt with in Reasons 9, 20, 23, 25, and […]
Pingback by 35 Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids: 2008 in Review « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids December 31, 2008 @ 8:42 pmI think I figured out the thing where some survivors can’t have sex but can have emotional intimacy and some have lots and lots of sex but not with people they’re emotionally intimate with. That’s one of the many things that sucks about incest – it makes emotional intimacy (which many of us had, at least initially, with our abusers if only in a really creepy way) and sex together a really really scary thing.
Comment by sworddancewarrior January 9, 2009 @ 3:06 amI often dissociated like that, becoming the wall, floathing above everything as well. Beooming the wall was a good way to avoid my abuser’s notice sometimes as well.
I’m sorry that you were abused. I’m sorry that it has affected you so much and for so long. I can relate.
Kate
Comment by kate1975 May 16, 2009 @ 10:44 pmI agree that sexual relations are difficult for those of us who have never had a stable and responsible emotional mature relationship with any one else. A terrible relationship can make us feel like monsters and ready for the monastery. I hope things get easier for us all.
Comment by sandma1half July 25, 2011 @ 1:52 am